Frustration and Life for the past 1.5 years

Life has been tough for the past 1.5-2 years now. Below are just the highlights of diary entry posts that I kept. Frustration anger disappointment fear fatigue are all mixed together. Life has never been this tough for me =s 

5 March 13

Its 12.53........ and im having this moment again. Where.. i just cry. Cry cry and cry. IM SO TIRED. Im so tired of thinking. Im so tired of crying. My brain hurts from thinking. I cannot find any solution. Or anything that make sense. I hate myself. I cant blame anyone but myself. I dunno whats worse. Hating others or hating urself. If u hate others u wanna kill that person. But if u hate urself. U wanna kill urself. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know anymore. Im just so annoyed at everything. So so so so sooooooooooo annoyed. I don’t know what im doing anymore. Im walking in no direction. I have no aim no motivation. Its tiring. Its tiring. Everything everyone is just a false hope. What am i suppose to do....... TELL ME WHAT IM SUPPOSE TO DO............. COZ I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW. I don’t know what others are goin thru. But this phase is aint easy. I have never ever ever been so stress n depressed my whole life for this long period of time. God................ im stuck. Im stuck stuck n stuck. Pls god show ur way. Shine ur light. Just give me any direction. Any direction will do. I give up. I give up. God pls answer me. Answer me clearly. I just don’t know anymore. Im in a darkness. Pls shine ur light. Coz i just don’t know where to go or what to do anymore. I just want to bash this head into the wall in disappear.

14 Feb 13

Another day has passed just with tears on my face again. Im honestly tired. Very very tired n exhausted. I cannot explain it in words any longer. I may put a smile on the outside. But my heart cries for help. Its so tiring living like this. I don’t wanna cry any longer. Im tired. So tired. God.............................. i really don’t wanna blame u. I have no right to do that. Thats why i hate myself. Coz nothing or no one can be blame but myself. I hate me. I hate myself. Why am i like this. Why am i acting like this. Why am i feeling like this. I cant even express my emotion. Its the most tiring thing ever. I don’t think i can hold it any longer. I wanna scream. I wanna punch the mirror. I wanna punch the wall. But i cant express my anger nor frustration. Why am i a coward n can only cry =( capeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Cape banget. Both mentally physically. I feel like my brain is abt to explode frm thinking. Coz there is no solution. God. I know. I know i know everything. Im being impatient. But i want the answer now. i don’t hv anymore energy. THEY DONT UNDERSTAND. THEY DONT THEY THINK ITS EASY BUT ITS NOT. FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK. HOW CAN THEY JUST CRITICIZE ME WHEN THEY DONT FUCKING NOW WHAT IM GOING THRU. WHAT I HAVE TRIED. FOR SO LONG. ITS NOT LIKE IM SITTING IDLE DOING NOTHING. SO FUCK ALL OF U. FUCK! 

12 Feb 13

Its 11.04 now. and i am sad. Again. How long am i suppose to cry everyday. How long......... im rly sad..... L my heart aches. My brain is too small to comprehend whats going on. Its too small. I cannot understand any longer. Its too mch. Its too mch. God........... im sory. But its heavy. Its very heavy atm. Can u plz lif it up a bit. God its so heavy. Everything is too hard to understand. I don’t know anymore. Everything hurts so baddddddd. My pride hurts my heart hurts. Everything hurts. I don’t know what to do. What to think. How to think. How to live. I just don’t know anymore. Everything is a blur. Crap n shit. My brain is too small. I don’t know what to ask for anymore god. I don’t know. Give me wisdom. To understand. I wanna leave everything behind. Its too mch already. Too mch. Too MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the thought of dying suicide comes across my mind. Its something i wouldn’t do never do. But its in my mind. All the time. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK I HATE LIFE!

4 Feb 13

2.19am now. hmm i cant sleep. Europe was great i guess. I had a good time. Sigh...... but now that im back in perth, i just don’t know what to do anymore. Everything barge into my mind. Im getting sick of applying for jobs that i hvnt applied for anything yet. I just wanna give up at times. I just don’t know anymore. How to even encounter this hardship. My brain cannot handle it anymore. Nothing make sense. And im so lost. Im just going back into this daily routine of nothing and uncertainty. I sometimes pitty myself, maybe not sometimes but all the time. Well i dno. Everyone got their own thing, their own struggle. But i dunno. Im just annoyed at things. Sigh from the completely hopeless love life. Or even future. JUST DOOMED. DOOMED DOOMED DOOMED. I cannot find any better word than that. God im sad......... god are u there. Are u listening to me. Can u see me cry and struggling. God when will this end. I am so suffocated i cannot breathe any longer. Its so suffocating. God..... what do u want me to do. WHAT DO U WANT ME TO DO. Please tell me right now. i give up i give up.............. I GIVE UP. Im scared...... im scared of what the future holds for me. Nothing is working. I just don’t know what went wrong anymore. How come i cant step over this stone. Why is it so hard to overcome. How much longer do i have to wait. What more do i have to do. I just don’t know anymore =(

6 Jan 13

hmm 11.25 pm. Its new year now. not a great start i suppose. At least im leaving behind the shittest year of my life. 2012. Nothing can be worse than that year. A year of mistakes stupidity and being a fool. And here i am contemplating. Tho i was over it these holidays it just came back agn. The thought of uncertainty, or.. u know. I hate it. Everytime the thought is about to enter, i would just dodge it straight away. But i cant help it this time. I dunno. Tears are flowing agn. Never really been.. this scared in my life. Or even this hurt. So hurt that i cant express it with words anymore. Its like a knife stabbed right throught my heart. Just.. the thought of everything. I hate it. Completely hate. How am i suppose to grow. Or learn from this. I don’t know. I am going on a holz soon. I shud be happy. Yet why am i in a misery. I envy everyone. I envy them im jealous im annoyed. But no one can help, no one can say anything. Nor can i do anything. Nothing can be done. I just don’t know anymore. Its puzzling this thought. God are u there? Are u listening to me. Are u looking at me right now? im in despair. I have no more hope. I am sad. God are u there?! I dunno how to have faith anymore. I don’t know. Teach me how to have faith. Teach me plz. Would i punch the wall now? yea i would. Would i punch the glass now? yea i would. Would i jump of the bridge would i run infont  of a train would i stab myself. Yea i fuckin would. Oh these thoughts are killing me like crazy.

18 Dec 12

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm........8.33 now. and i wanna say. Fml. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Got rejected from main roads =s honestly........ i am really really really sad. This is my last hope last chance so on. I am rly rly sad. And plz let me be sad at least just for this time. What after failing my exemption when both of my friend got it. After been rejected by so many companies for 2 yrs. When someone just applied n got it straight away. ITS NOT FAIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AND I CANT GET OVER THAT FACT. IT HURTSSSSS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH..... I DONT THINK IVE BEEN HURT THIS MUCH MY WHOLE LIFE. MY HEART WRECKS. ITS JUST BAD NEWS AFTER BAD NEWS. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN BAD NEWS THIS YEAR. I AM SAD. I AM SO PATHETIC. I AM SO SAD...................... i hate having this feeling. Ive been holding it in. God....... im really really really sad. i.. don’t know what to do anymore. I thought ive surrendered. I thought i did. I thought u gna give me a bday present. God. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT. I know i hv no right to complain. I know. I know u are preparing the best and all. BUT STIL................ theres no one to blame on this situation. N my heart is aching so badly.

Why is it bad news after bad news. Cant life get any better? I mean its holiday. Its my 21^st soon. Im going to Europe. What is there not to be happy about, but why am i crying in my room? Even when things got bad between me and that person, It wasn’t this bad. God............ wat do u want from me........ WHAT DO U WANTTTTTTTTT WHAT DO YOU WANT GOD PLZ JUST TELL ME RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. SHOW ME UR WAY THE WAY OR WHATEVER, I JUST DONT KNOWW WAT TO DO WHAT TO HOPE. I JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE. ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT HURTS.................................

7 Dec 12

Hm 10.41 well results are out. The unexpected happened. I mean yes it was expected that i ddnt get my exemptions. But both J and L got theirs. Pretty mch everyone did. i....... don’t know what to say. Yes i am sad. I know.. its not their fault. I know its not god’s fault. Yes it is my fault. I did the sharing today at oikos. But it rly blessed me knowing that god is control. He knows this was gna happen right. He knows im not gna be diligent n he knows im not gna get my exemption. Im sad. And tears are just flowing unwillingly. I don’t wanna cry. But tears wldt stop. I wanna complain. But im scared. My preaching is not to worry. God is in control. Just chill jude. Chill.. its ok. Why worry. But is in control of ur future. Good things will happen. Everything is gna b ok. Its ok jude its ok jude. Why wldnt i stop crying when i say its ok. God is workin behind the scene......... its ok. Everythings gna be ok. I need a clear mind. I need to clear my mind. Its ok jude. Its ok.

Hm 1.46 now. been thinking a lot. Although in the sermon tday i said.. everythings gna be alright. Don’t worry. Lift of your burden. But i still feel burdened. I feel pain too somehow. Its too suffocating. I realise that whatever i do so far has failed. And why is that. Im guessing.. bcoz ive been using my own strength? I don’t know. But i give up. I give up on everything. And im just surrendering everything to god. God............ i offer u my life. Just do whatever with it. Im just tired living like this. Ive been stripped off my pride. Ive got nothing left in me. God take all of me. And work ur way thru it. I don’t know. I lift my hand up just to surrender in ur name. I hv faith that ull do great things in my life. I wanna learn to believe in u. That everything happened for a reason. Goddddddddddd i am suffocating. Plz leave this burden off me.

17 Oct 12

Sigh cried again today =( was just rly depressed sad confused. Dno anymore.

16 Oct 12

8.02 today. Sighhhhhhhhhh im just.. yeah i cried again tday. Yest i was holding it in as well

14 Oct 12

9.55 now.......... and once again............... im in the depressed mode =s and was crying. Its true...... that im crying at least twice a week these days. The thought of.. many bad things always comes to my mind. I don’t think ive ever been so depressed................. i don’t know anymore. I don’t know. .......................... DONT KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW................................................ PLEASE ANSWER MY PRAYER. PLEASE GOD =(

11 Oct 12

its 8.04 now. sigh once again im in depressed mode.. n crying once agn =s just the thought.. of future uncertainties.. stress me out =s i dno what god plans for me... its nearly the end of the year. N... i hvnt found a job yet. Im scared....... im really scared of what the future holds for me. Im really2 scared. What if i hvnt found a job by next yr. What am i going to do. My parents might ask me to work in indo first. I hate my life. I hate the decision that i took. I shudnt hv stayed in curtin. It was a bad choice. Bad bad choice. And im falling out of love. Its just.. yeah. Over. Im ashame of myself. N the decision that ive made. Sometimes im annoyed at other ppl. very very annoyed. What do they hv to worry abt. J got a job she got her exemptions. What else does she has to worry abt. Its not fair!

6 Oct 12

hmmmmmmmm yeh,,,,,,, sigh. I dunno what to say since theres a millions things in my mind. I hate myself for doing what im doing. Why i am here.......... or.......... what i am doing. Just bcoz of.. that one person =s

12.33 now. shud rly slp. Cried agn today. I think at this rate. I cried at least twice a wk. Its getting rly tiring =s

19 Sep 12

Hmmmm 10.47........ i think i am going into depression these days. Sometimes i just wanna throw myself out there and die. Or get injured or whatever. Everything stressed me out. I feel like crying everyday. Sigh mental break down. I cant stand ppl. i cant stand L, i cant stand J. Sigh. They talk about jobs exemptions n crap all the things that i don’t have. IT STRESS ME OUT.............. yet they don’t even appreciate what they have. What am i doing what am i doing with life. I just wanna get out. I wanna go away somewhere. Far far away from anyone i know. I just wanna escape. I hate being here. I hate what im doing. I hate it.. completely hate it and don’t even know why im doing it. I wanna go awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy............................... i just. Really want to go away and escape this valley of death. Im so tired of being depressed n crying everyday. Wanting to outrage my feelings but i cant. I lost motivation for everything. I JUST WANNA GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

17 Sep 12

Hmm 12.11am.. im crying again. Im having a real hard time lately. Been crying every few days which is bad. Just everything stressed me out. And i don’t think im strong enough to handle this. Im hurt. Im tired. I don’t know what im doing. Just little things made me annoyed. Beteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I look at her sometimes. And think.. theres nothing that i like. But why wont the feeling go away? Why am i wasting my life. Everyone has a goal. A dream. And i don’t have any. A job? I want it. But why.. i dunno.

29 Aug 12

 I just don’t know......or cannot comprehend how she’s doing so well at anything she does.... HOWWWWWWW......... I MEAN.. LIKE HOW!!!!!!!!! While me i nearly fail at everything i do. I don’t wanna complain. But i cant help it. Sigh i know i wont get the exemptions. I know i hvnt got a job. So ........ I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE AND I SEE EVERYONE ELSE DOING SO WELL.. I CANT HELP TO BE JEALOUS N ENVIOUS! HOW IS IT THAT IVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING DURING ALL THIS TIMES. Its so weird...... how is it possible. I know this is a wake up call. BUT FROM WHAT................ FROM WHAT GOD. TELL ME. U said don’t give up...... but............ im really on the edge of giving up everything already. I don’t know what im doing.. what am i suppose to do. All i know is ive wasted time my life n money.

18 Aug 12

Hm 8.49 now. just finished wathicng to the beautiful. Anyways.............. lots of things in my mind now. just came across the fact that J got her job already......................... i dunno.. i wanna blame her when its not her fault. Its not god’s fault either. Is it my fault. I dunno.... but........ it hurst =( it hurts =( i cant say anymore other than it hurts. It hurts so bad. Everything.

17 Aug 12

1.30 now so yeah ive got lots to talk abt. Sigh...... it was all in my head now i just don’t feel like writing. So i had work this morning J called after. We’re goin ikea soon n hv dinner after. Sigh. I asked her abt bw. Ive been wanting to ask her.. but i was always scared. I know whats the answer gna be. But i just need that confirmation. So yes she pretty mch got it. Ref check already. I told myself to be strong i was strong after.. i tried to hide my feeling. Then afterwads i couldn’t help but to cry n feel sad. I thought i was strong i thought i cld handle it.. but i cldnt. Its just so hard to understand. My tiny brain is overloaded with thoughts. It hurts more than anything else. I cant understand. Whats faith?! Do i still have faith? What is god doing? What is his plan? Why hvnt i got  the job. I cannot understand i cant i really cant. And im struggling. I dunno anymore. God plz show me the way. I will ask u again n again. Im lost L very lost L they said god is working in the background. I know i cant see it. I know i wont know whats coming in front of me. But its so painful now. its painful. My heart hurts. My head hurts frm everything. Everything is going well for her. At least she got her exemptions both part 1 n 2. She said she wldnt get ajob yet she got it just after a few try. I know these things wld happen. But stil.. i know its coming...... but............ i dno anymore. I wanna rest. Ive been so tired latel. Goddddd are u there.. are u listening to me. Im sorry i complained a lot. Im sorry i cannot give thanks. But some things are just very very hard to understand. It hurt so much =(

Hmm so 9.56 now. as usually 50 million things on my mind. I just don’t know where to start anymore. So i went out with J today. It was quite nice.. hmmmm. The bw ppl called her asking for her referees. I just don’t know anymore. They said when ppl fail they try out new things.. what is it that im supposed to try.. what is it? I don’t know.

10 Aug 12

Hmm 12.26 now. its sort of my day off today. Got work at 5. Hmm.. stress as usuall.. i dunno.. whenever im not doing anything. I think abt the future.. what my life is for. Everything.. is weird. Shud i do some volunteer work? Sigh. I shudnt hv done part 2. Big big mistake.. Sigh........ i know that in the back of my mind.. god is the answer..... but how... and why do i feel so lazy? Sigh. STRESSSSS. Ive seen a lot of articles and posts abt failure. That its the beginning of a success and so on. But i just cant see it just yet. And i feel like time is dragging.

Hm..2.41 now. still galau-ing. Sigh. But one word in my heart. Trust in him. He has a plan for me. A great plan. Something big something good. Trust.. faith.. have faith.. have trust.

8 Aug 12

hm its the 8^th of aug now. well lately.. its just work.. and k news. Thats all nothing much. Everything becomes really meaningless. I don’t know what to do any longer. I think if i really want to. I cld just go back to indo and work. But my pride wont let me. I mean.. at least i must get a job here first. But it seems so impossible. Sigh.. is this where my faith is tested? Sigh i don’t dare to ask how long. But its nearly 2 yrs since i look for job. I don’t know anymore. Nothing is open. Sigh everyone is good at what they’re doing. But i know im not. I hv no interest in fin whatsoever. And im just wasting money doing part 2 coz i know i wont get it. I sometimes wanna escape from what ive done. It was a mistake. A big mistake. I regret it now.

31 Jul 12

Hmm 3.53 now. have work soon. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh............. im thinking..... oh got rejected frm oakvale =( coz other candidates have more exp. Sigh............... annoyed. Now im fucked up. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH I DONT KNOW. STRESS OVER LOAD. It seems like i wont get a job here in perth. I wanna go else where.

20 Jul 12

6.17 now. so uhm.. yeh interview is over. It was ok i think. But im going against 16 ppl sigh. There were 70 applicants. So im quite lucky i got narrowed down. Im just crossing fingers. Apparently Z sed she did well. Sighhhhhhhhh IM PRAYING SO THAT SHE WONT GET THAT JOB. SIGH I KNOW IM MEAN. BUT STILL ITS NOT FAIR.!!!!! I SPENT WAY MORE TIME THAN HER. SIGHHHHHHHH............ ILL BE SO PISSED IF SHE GETS THE JOB AND I DONT. :S super fuckin annoyed. ANNOYED. PISSED. SIGH. A LOT ON MY MIND =s

NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR =( NOT FAIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. IM SUPER ANNOYED. N im crying L SUPERRRRRRRRR ANNOYED.

It feels like my heart has been pierced by a nail. It hurts.. it hurts.. it hurts a lot. I cannot explain it anymore. But it hurts. My head hurts. From trying to think. Trying to understand... its not comprehendable. I just cannot understand. All i know is its not fair. N it hurts so bad. IR HURTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. IT HURTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. SHE HASNT TRIED AS HARD AS I DID. WHY SHE GET THE JOB. WHY SHE IMPRESSED THE INTERVIEWER WHY I DDINT WHY I CANT GET A JOB. FUCK I DONT GET IT I DONT GET I DONT GET IT. I REALLY DONT N ITS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND SO SO HARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD..............

19 Jul 12

12.10 now. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH guess what. Woke up in the morning with unpleasant news :s J got interview for bw tmr. Sigh i reckon she has big chance on this. Im scared. What if i don’t get the job tmr. And what if she got it. Sigh. And why she got it not me. Sigh. I don’t know and i don’t wanna know. Im kinda scared.

Hmm 9.17. my head is abt to explode. I don’t know what to do. Im not prepared for tmr’s interview. And i honestly REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT IT. God.. ill do anything for this job >.< plz god. Sigh on top of that. Altho i know its completely useless doing acc2.. sighhhhhhhh I know its useless n a waste of money. Plus the pmt is due tmr. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHH. STRESSSSSSSSSSSSS.................. might hv to go uni tmr. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ill see how the interview goes tmr. Then ill go uni then i hv work. Sigh.

11 Jul 12

Hm 10.21 now.. just had a chat with mom. Sigh... theres many things in my head now. thers all sort of problem going on. Its even more stressful than anything. I don’t know anymore. And im sad.

4 Jul 12

8.45 now. Sigh..... hmmmmmmmmmmm time is so short. Time is running out. And im still clueless.. things are getting weird. So unpredicted. Show me the way lord. Show me the way. I cant seem to see a clue. Mom was suggesting i shud go bk to indo.

11.16 now. Sigh so tireddd... hmm results shud be out soon. Im having thoughts doubts everything! Confusion. I think i wanna move else where. But where. And this stupid korea trip is like blocking my way. And.. sigh fk. Im lost. Sigh i know i wont get inv sc. I really hope i do well in acc. Sigh... stress. Sigh STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

11.48      so results are out. Man my IS is even lower than last sem.  Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i don’t know.. a billion thoughts just pass through my mind. I DONTKNOWWWWWWWWWWWWW........ I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW I DONT KNOW.

24 Jun 12

Hmmmmm 12.55 now. Just finished watching drama. So yeah.. hmmmmmmmmmm i dunno... i have mix feelings inside me.......... its confusing........... sigh....................... just confused. Not even stress. But everything is too confusing. I feel like is tangled rope. And the knot is getting tighter. I don’t know how to undo it...... its a knot. What am i doing with my life. And so what.......... all my life i have live for my desire.. my lust.. my passion for love.. my greed. Love has always been an important matter for me. I mean like really. I clearly rmb even before 5 years old i have always idolizing someone. N that what matters most to me. And so ive wasted my life on it. So what. I graduated uni. Cannot find a job. Been rejected everywhere. I like someone whom im not supposed to like and cannot be with. And i don’t even know if ill ever be with anyone in the future. So what.. what does the future holds for me? Why am i thinking abt the future. The present is oddly weird. I don’t even know anymore. Stress confused.................. i just don’t know what to say what to do.. what to think.. what to hope.. what to live for. Empty.

18 Jun 12

Hmmmmm 5.43 now. Im lost confused sick.. dunno what to do. Very lost. So cbb applying for jobs. Sighs. STRESSSSSSSSS overload L

At this moment..... i feel like theres no future no hope no life for me........ when everything falls apart.. i don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t feel like im worthy of anything anymore. I wanna get away. I wanna run away. Run away from life. Run away from everything. I want something new. Something fresh. Im sick of this. Sick of it. Sick of everything. God..... are u there? Whats ur plan for me? What is it? I cant seem to see it...... many times i surrender.. many times i prayed. Many times i beg i ask. But i cannot seem to find an answer yet. I cannot understand i cannot comprehend. Im trapped between 2 world. I know the godly world is the right one. But im drowning in my earthly world. What can i do?

10 Jun 12

Hmm 10.35 pm. Just finished work. Sigh stress overload. Talk on the phone with mom. Ah fk. So many problems. Belom di tambah that person. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh over load stress. Fk. I just don’t know anymore. And cannot see n find any solution to any of my problems. Like literally none. Im so confused. And going crazy.

6 May 12

Hmmmm got rejected frm anz. I don’t know.. but atm its only bw left. Sighs. Im starting to lose hope again. Everytime i thought yes its the one.. its never been the one. I don’t know what god is trying to say. But i know for a fact that he’s preparing something that is the best for me. But.. i don’t know. Ppl say to always have faith.. keep my faith. But everytime i have that faith saying its the one. It fails. Thats why i don’t even wanna put hope or faith into things anymore. Coz everytime it fails.. and it hurts more when thats the case. Sigh... im confused. N very confused. This diet plan too.. i don’t know if its gna work or not. Im losing faith in everything. Nothing is working. I don’t know what shud i do anymore L sigh.

2 Apr 12

8.22 am. Sigh i got woken up by an sms saying i got thru online testing for ppb advisory. Which is weird since they reject me last year. Anyway. Then i check my email just to say im rejected for pwc and amp =( SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LLLLL EVEN J GOT ONLINE TEST FOR AMP. I thought its automated!!!!!!!!!!!! SADDDDDDDDD how bad must have been my application =( im saddddddddddddddddddd! Even tho its amp. Sigh IM REALLY SCARED NOW. REALLY REALLY SCARED. The competition is tough now. I know for a fact that her every single application is better than mine >.< oh god. God u must be fair right. Please give me a job >.< Sigh i wont tell her abt my rejection. To make myself feel better. Its ok jud. AND OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG DELOITTE JUST REJECTED ME.. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG . STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS STRESSSSSSSSSSS STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK if J gets to ac then ill just be FUCK. Im like getting rejected at every single perth ones =( IM SADDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God how am i suppose to concentrate... GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ARE U THERE?! =( my chance is prob now just bankwest? I thought deloitte was a chance =( god im in fear. Please take this fear away. I still trust in you that you will give me the best. God honestly im really scared REALLY REALLY SCARED. I have a feeling that J gets into the a/c i wanna talk to someone. But i don’t think i can talk to J =( omg IM ANNOYED. Hmm 9.19 i shud be doing my nab test now. But im afraid with this mood can i do it? Lets just try. Or shud i relax first? SIGH I DONT EVEN THINK I CANR RELAX =(

20 Mar 12

Hurmm... HAIZ 8.38 i came home at 2. And i have accomplish nothing. Im CONFUSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.............. WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR L i cant stop thinking. Omg.. im looking at F’s picture and i feel like i wanna trade mylife. It seems like he’s having the best time on earth. Omg... and im just thinking how everything abt me is just so fked up. I know i shudnt be saying this. But i cant help but to say it. How everything is not working well. And im completely stress out. The impossibility between me n her. And like.. how everything has evolved. OMG I WANNA SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANNA ESCAPE BUT I CANT. God help me L i don’t know where to start.

10 Nov 11

SIGHHHHHHHHHH IM STILL SO STRESSSSSSSSSSSS SO STRESSS ABOUT THE FUTURE. I JUST WANT A JOB. God... im sorry im sorry if i keep complaining. Im saying that ur grace is not enuf. I shudnt do that.. i really shudnt. I shud apologize. I know that in my eyes its not fair and not what i wanted. But then.. do whatever u want god. If im not suppose to work yet then let it be. If im suppose to move or stay just let it be. ALTHO IM VERY STRESS ATM. I cant even think properly i cant even relax and have fun. ITS SUCH A BURDENN... ITS A BURDEN IN MY HEAD. MY HEAD FEELS SO HEAVYYYYYY THAT I CANT KEEP IT UP ANY LONGER. IM TIRED VERY TIRED. IM SICK OF THIS. SICKKKKKKKK!!!!!! Maybe instead of worrying i shud just literally move away. Move away from this place forever. I think this is the best chance i have. Move away. Get away run away. Im sick of this life.

7 Nov 11

11.13 now.. Sigh. Anyway. It still hurts. The whole bankwest thing.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FEEL LIKE BASHING SOMETHING. Im crying agn. IT HURTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT...... GODDDDDDD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY ARE U SO CRUEL TO ME. I DONT SEE WHY THIS IS THE BEST FOR ME. WHY TELL ME NOW. TELL ME NOW.. THOSE PPL DONT HAVE GOD YET THEY GOT THE JOB. WHY DO I HAVE GOD N YET U STILL LEAVE ME BEHIND. WHY GOD.......... WHY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.................. ITS NOT FAIR. IM HURT. VERY HURTTTTTTTTTTT......... IT HURT MY PRIDE MY DIGNITY. I TRIED THE HARDEST IVE GOT THE MOST EXPERIENCE OUT OF EVERYONE YET I STILL COULDNT MANAGE TO GET A JOB. IT HURTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! THEY DONT TRY AS HARD AS I DID. YET THEY GOT IT. WHERE SHUD I PUT MY FACE. WHERR SHUD I PUT MY PRIDE. IM SAD.!!!!!!!!!!

SIGHHHHHHHHHH this thing still pissed me off!!!!!!!!!!!! I sometimes think what happen if i just take a knife n stab myself. Maybe things wld be better. Maybe things wld be better if im no longer here. I sometimes really wanna do that. See who really cares abt me. I HATE MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEE that voice of shan still rings in my head.. “ so what happened with bankwest” voice of iman.. “ udah citizen masa ga bias dapet kerja” these things are killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I CARE ALOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT THE WORLD IS EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!! IM ANNOYED SUPER ANNOYED. I wanna go away n leave everything behind me. Never meet anyone agn.