Memories

Came across our old text msgs.. 

Mix messages are running through my mind

How I miss the old times

The times when you were still nice

The times where we would often talk

Sigh, the memories are just too painful

I don't think I can read one more line without having a break down

It's all in the past now

Memories that can never be erased

But just too painful to remember

Perfection

How did u become even more perfect than you already were?
Sigh this is the reason why I can't get over you
Just literally can't imagine there'll be anyone better out there
I don't know how to stop this admiration when it's growing even more as time passes by..

What's left is nothing.

Telling the truth was the biggest mistake. And the more I'm feeding it the more I'm losing it. So keep asking myself which last string of hope am i holding on to? And what exactly am I holding on to? Nothing. Trying so hard to just hold myself together but I'm breaking apart. Every bit of me is broken and shattered to pieces already.. What's left is.. nothing. 

Is this even humane? Why such fate?! When nothing else is this whole world matters anymore, but this, that I just wanna give up on life at times. 

You will never understand things until you get there. So don't ever judge anyone who's being irrational, coz when you're pushed so much to the corner and there isn't anymore room to breathe, you break apart, and you lost it. And that's how it is now.

two hours.... it's been two hours full of tears
not the first time of course..
i don't know what is this last string of hope im holding onto anymore
even being friends is so hard now

just dont know anymore

I'm losing it..

I'm losing all of it..

There isn't a single part of me that is sane anymore

I don't know what upsets me so mch

I don't know why it upsets me so mch

But all I know is just that it hurts..

It's hurting beyond what word can say

I don't know how else to express it.. 

Like a gazzilion thoughts run thru my mind

So I keep hitting my head hoping it would stop thinkng

And I would go back to my senses

But it's just not happening

I JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE................................

that explains how you were online over 70 times today..

and what upsets me the most is how im just always the last to know

like i have to dig thru this information thru another source

and how you're always online when they say something but it took you half an hour to go online when i say something. 

and just the thought of everything else how you gonna be living with them

ITS STUPID BUT OFCOURSE THIS LITTLE STUPID THINGS MATTERS TO ME. IM GOING SO NUTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.............. THAT I DONT KNOW ANYMORE. 

Can't anyone understand this logic?

In a normal situation, when a relationship does not work out, it's understandable if you walk away and end it. And that's probably what to expect and what a normal people would do. But in an abnormal situation, I guess it's harder to understand. Normally, you would walk away with a hope of finding a new person that can work out for the future. But when things just wouldn't work out, why should there a reason to move on? Give me one good reason.

So for the past 11 years, when you keep liking someone whom you can never be with, you just get used to that fact. Of course on the back of your mind, you would still hope that things would work out with the next person, but knowing that it won't it's nothing new. And of course, every time it ended the pain never gets any better. You just don't get used to pain.. A pain is still a pain and it hurts every single time. And who in the right mind want to experience pain multiple times? So if you're asking me to move on, you're asking to experience the exact same pain all over again. You might think that the next person will like me back the way I like them, but if that were to happen, why hasn't it been happening for the past 11 years? The fact is every single time, after getting over someone, the same case happens again and again, that I'm just so sick of it. So I made myself just stick to one person, just at least let me like you. Can't you understand the logic?!?!?! Why can't anyone understand this logic. Like if there was a hope that it will work out in the future maybe I will try to move on, but really when the chance of everything repeating all over again is probably 99.9999999999%... Tell me why should I even bother?

I know that we won't ever have a relationship. But I just want to be your best friend.. Someone you can talk to and want to talk to and have fun with, etc. Am I asking too much? I don't give a damn of your future relationship. I'll just be happy for you. But when it comes to friend, I just want to be the number one :( Of course that won't happen in a millions years no matter how much I tried even though logically it shouldn't be impossible.

Lost it all

It seem's like I've lost it all
I've lost all my common sense
I've lost my rationality
Not a single part of me is being sane anymore
That I'm just so confused
Why am I being like this
Why am I being so greedy
Why am I acting like this
Why is it like this?!
I just don't know anymore

Lost

There comes a time when you're just so lost
You don't know what to do anymore
What to expect
What to think
Just absolutely nothing is working out
And no matter how much you think
There is no solution to it
And the more you think
The more things become tangled
And it doesn't stop on hurting
You want a way out
But it seems like there is no way out
And no matter how many people you talk to
There's not a single soul that's helpful enough
I just really don't know anymore.

Why you put me in such difficult place?

You keep forcing me to tell you the truth
To say things out
And when you ask, I just cannot say no
But the more I say things
The more I explain
The more you will think I'm a creep
The more you'll dislike me
The more distance we'll have
Just I'm losing more of you
Why you put me in such difficult place sigh

Scared and Hurt

It gets up to a point, where I'm too scared to go home
I'm scared that I'll cry again
I'm scared that I'll think about you again
I'm scared that I'll miss you again
I'm scared that I'll get disappointed again
I'm scared that I'll get hurt once again
It honestly is very painful in and out
I hope it doesn't get to a point where I'm scared of living
Because it's just so unbearable at times
And you don't like it when I express things
So how am I suppose to live?
I can't say anything out
Everytime we talk, I end up saying the wrong message
And it just keeps on hurting
Coz you don't understand
And you keep hurting me
I'm giving up on keeping things the way it was
It's way too late
Everything changed already
The more I try
The more I'm getting hurt

Driving me nuts!

You always say that you're busy
I know that you are
But you were online 63 times today, then how am I suppose to believe that?
Not saying that you lied
But you literally have time for all your other friends
IT DRIVES ME NUTS AND FUCKING CRAZY.

I might as well be gone

I'm breathing, but it's as if I'm breathing under water
I'm alive, but it's as if I'm dead
I'm healthy, but it's as if there's pain under my bone
I exist, but it's as if my I'm soulless

What's the point of living like this anymore? If only I can just be gone, maybe you will care then.

What is it really about you?!

I don't know anymore
What's so good about you
What is it about you..
That literally makes you stick so much to my brain
I don't know why I care
I don't know why I want it so bad like there's no tomorrow
Like nothing in this whole worlds matters
I just don't know anymore
All I know is I'm going mad
I'm going crazy just thinking about it
Even if I'm trying not to think about
It just comes

Like even if I were given the choice for a billion dollar
Or anything else.......
I would still choose you.

What is it really about you?!

I always thought to myself, maybe if I don't talk to you long enough, you will wonder why I haven't said anything. Maybe somehow, you will say hi and ask how I'm doing. So I keep on waiting, despite wanting to talk to you so much, I restrain myself from typing in that screen. I thought if I just wait a little longer just a little longer, miracle will somehow happen. So I keep on waiting and wishing that miracle will happen some day. Soon enough, I'm hoping. And it turns out that it's always just an empty hope. No, you're probably just too busy to have just a little bit of thoughts. I'm only asking for a bit. So I can't even have just that much? They say I should lower down my expectation, you say I should lower down my expectation, but I really don't think its so high anyway. So I don't understand. What really went wrong, what have I done wrong, why is it like this. I don't understand. And it keeps on hurting. So I just cry cry and cry, and it's just always so damn tiring. My soul will run out in no time. I just don't know what to do anymore. How to live this life. It's just dark, lonely and cold.