History repeating itself

It's funny. Four years since I last wrote here, nothing changes and history repeat itself. Maybe I am to blame, maybe fate is playing against me. I don't know what it is, but here I am back to square zero. I did think that it might be different this time, I had that thought initially, I thought maybe there's that 0.1% chance. I tried to play it a bit differently this time, but by the time I realised that it's just history repeating itself, it was too late. It was way too late, I've fallen in dip pit and I couldn't get up. Two years after that initial meeting, I am back at my starting point 12 years ago. Honestly, I trully gave my all, I put way more effort than any other thing in life, but in the end, these effort became a boomerang. It hits me right in the face and because of these desire and wants, its pushing the other party away. So here I am, just getting crushed again and again, feeling rather helpless and everyone pointing fingers at my foolishness. 

Forever unchanging

That feeling..
The feeling I’ve almost forgotten..
Gushed through like a wind
Like a hurricane striking through a fragile branch
Snaps right through it
Hopeless and despair
That’s what it feels like
A reminiscent of old times
Like those bad things never happened
Feels a bit special
But it’s all delusion
Nothing but illusion
A wish
Something temporary
That must be forgotten again
Over and over
Why... why... why...
Why is it that after all these times
After 9 whole years
Everything remains the same
And this feeling remains unchanged
I miss you
I want you
I love you
Forever unchanging

Losing Battle Ground

That hope
That glimpse of hope
Did I make it up myself?
Why..
Why you keep doing this to me
It's a mental torture
You give me hope
At the same time
I still feel that coldness
Everything seems fine on the outer shell
But then you keep....
You keep doing the things you do
Never explicitly say it
And you keep me guessing
And I just cannot.. or not willing to see through it
But I'm not a kid you can fool
Don't keep giving me a lame excuse
I am not oblivious
Don't play this game with me
I know I'll lose
It's a fight that I'll never win
The moment I show my weakness
It's over
And maybe I gotta wait a million more years
Until it's fine again
Or maybe never
When can I stop pretending that it's ok?
When it never is

Never ever

I don't know if I'll ever forget about you
Or if I could ever let go
It's been too long
Way too long for me to forget
What's been engraved in my mind
In my heart
I love you once and always
And I really don't think I can ever let you go
You made me really happy
So very happy that I was happy to be gone if you just let me be
Every single memory
Is still absolutely vivid in my mind
Yes, I would wait my entire life for you
If and only if
You'd give me another chance
But you won't
I know you that you won't
Even if I beg a million times
It would never be the same again
Never ever..

No more second chance

I know I screwed up,

But why wont u give me a second chance

You wont even allow to apologize

Im sorry, and I wanna change

But you wont give me that second chance

Another chance to be your friend

I miss being your friend

I miss the good time we had together

I miss talking to you

I miss every single thing

And just to not be able to forget

Or let go

I feel so hopeless.

Loving someone you can’t have is never easy
Loving someone you’re not supposed to is never easy
Loving someone you can’t be with is never easy
Loving someone who doesn’t know how much you love them is never easy
Loving someone who doesn’t care about you is never easy
Yet you foolishly put everything down for them
You let go of everything else
You give up what’s important to you
You’re willing to throw everything away
And in the end.. You’re left with nothing but..
Disappointment heartbreak pain and sorrow
It continues to be that way for a very long time
In the end, you keep on hoping and wishing for nothing

You’re not mine
And you were never mine
So what exactly did I lose?
And why does it ripped me open until today?
You don't understand
You don’t get it
You said love is not everything
But.. im dying inside
And theres no going through you
How should I explain this
Why is that every single day I feel like I'm suffocated
With the thoughts of you
How it hasn’t left my mind every single day since that day
I still sincerely wis that we can be friends again
That a day like the past will somehow come again
I don’t want to let you go
I don’t want to ever let you go
I love you once and it will remain that way