As the day goes by..
I found myself staring at the screen..
Knowing that you will not talk to me..
But why are you constantly online?
Wondering who you could be talking to
And what you're talking about
Wishing that you would say something to me
As usual, it's just an empty hope
I kept thinking..
What do I actually want
Why do I keep hoping
I really don't know
Next thing I know..
Tears just fall non stop
Don't know how to stop them
And I just feel tired
The cycle repeats everyday
I know that i'm being such a fool
But i really don't know a way out
Half my mind is contradicting what I'm doing
But the stubborn me just somehow holds through it..

Now

A few months have gone by..
And somehow we've drifted apart
You're there and I'm here
Such busy life you have
I'm probably the last thing on your mind
I tried to get on with my life
But all it's filled with is the thoughts of you
Every hour every minute every second.. I miss you so much
The thoughts of you have not escaped my mind for a single moment
I tried filling my time with this and that
But still.. you're embedded within my mind
I can do nothing but cry
This painful feeling.. How do I get rid of it?
I feel nothing but pain
I really am not asking for too much am i?
Just talk me more often and acknowledge my existence within your life
I keep wishing and wishing
that some miracle can possibly happen.
But it's all just empty hope
Can I go back to the times where I was happy?

fucked up

How do you know if you're fucked up?

When tears would just flow everyday.. Sometimes knowing the reason sometimes not
When there is nothing else in ur mind other that one damn person
When you can't focus on anything else
When life feels so meaningless
When you feel so hollow inside that you wanna throw up
When you know that you mean nothing to that person
When that person thinks nothing of you even though you have given everything
When you're willling to give up your life for someone who doesn'y even care about you
When no one else understands how it feels, and thinks that you're just so stupid for not letting it go, and thinks that its probably so easy to go through it.
Maybe only when I'm gone, I will be somewhat significant. Does it have to be in that extent?

CANT I JUST BE SOMEWHAT SIGNIFICANT TO YOU!??!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY.

so i kept thinking..... thinking what is it that im looking for.
acknowledgement. i think thats what i need.
knowing on the back of my mind that all my effort was probably useless
and dont even know why im even doing it..
i need some sort of acknowledgement that it at least make a slight impact

like my logical mind says its so stupid
why am  i doing it
why am i keeping it
why am i being like this
i cant even find the answer to it
but.. somehow.. im just doing it like its a lifestyle already

sigh. going crazy already.

creep out or special

So.. I told you that I like you..
Risking the fact that it could ruin our friendship
Well.. it wasnt so bad after all..
But I don't think you know..
How much I actually like you..
How much you actually mean to me..
How much thoughts I put into you
How much effort I put for this relationship...
How much impact you bring to my life..
How you actually mean the whole world to me..
And for you to know that, it's either that you feel creep out or you feel somewhat special
I honestly don't know which one it will be
So.. it's best to not say it.

It feels like if i post more status updates you just gonna hate me.. Be annoyed.. And wouldnt understand why i do it. You probably think that it's useless, it's not helping, And i shud just let it go. You're too logical and practical. And even if i try to explain, you probably wouldnt even understand.. And lecture me with ur logical mind. I know what is right to do. I dont need anymore lecture on it. I just wish you could bloody understand this feeling. The frustration im going through. The pain.. The depression, just everything. I wish you could understand and do feel sorry for me. Im scared that you'll change your mind, thinking that its best if we dont keep in touch. Im too scared to lose you.. So i hold it back. I hold it back everyday, when i long for you every day, every hour, every minute of the day. I check on your social media, i wanna know what ure up to, staring at my phone like a crazy person. You have turned me into one crazy super mad person. Not being able to be with you is bad enough.. and on top of that, i cant even express my own feelings. This feeling of trap.. Like a soul wanting to escape the body.. Its the worst! It feels like life is so meaningless, like im just trapped. Not knowing what to do. What is right what is wrong.. Theres no one around.. No one to talk to. It feels like im more alone than ever. When tears have just fallen every single day for the past few months. Its just so tiring. So tiring living like this, that i sometimes wanna give up on life. What is there to live for anymore?! When all i ever want is you and only you. I dont need money i dont need luxury. Ive got enough of it. All i want is u. The most impossible thing to get.