What hurts me the most

It may seem that you're not doing anything..

We don't talk or anything, so what is it that hurt me the most?

Let me list it down.. 

What hurts me is when you're talking to your other friends constantly. Coz I wonder what you could be talking about with them.. Why you guys have so much to talk about and there's practically nothing for us to talk about. 

When you show affection to them, to some of them in particular. In my mind I'm thinking that I should be able to be put in the same level. Just friends. Good friends. It's not even a lover. So really. Logically it should be achievable. But.. It's not happening. I tried everything I tried my hardest. But it's not working. So.. I get frustrated. I get jealous. Because.. that is not impossible. 

Neither dead nor alive

Neither dead nor alive
Neither loved nor hated
I'm just always in between
Not knowing exactly where I am
Sometimes in pain sometimes in cloud nine
Neither this nor that

Maybe it's better to be dead after all
At least you feel the pain once
You're hurt once and for all
And then it's all gone
Rather than being kept alive
You're hurt then you're happy then you're hurt again
Again and again
Wishing that you're sometimes just be dead rather than constantly feeling the pain
But then who wants to be dead?
You will try to survive no matter what
Even though death could be better for you

Surviving is loving you
Death is letting you go.

Irrational

Is it really a sin to love you?
Why must I be punished so greatly?
It doesn't hurt any less everyday
And the pain never goes away

But I'm just too stubborn to let go
Too stubborn to do anything about it
Coz simply I just don't want to
And don't ask me why

I know the logic
I know what is right
But every part of me is being irrational

So......... the whole world tells me to move on.. to start lessen things a bit... and so on....... I know.. I know those people care for me. And I know.. you would say the same thing as well. But really.. I know I'm stubborn, and I will continue to be stubborn. I know I know. But right now nothing will change my mind. Even if the whole world is against it. Let me just be me. Is liking you really a sin? Is it really that forbidden that the world is against it?! I'm not even doing anything bad to you. Sigh..

Another thought.. of why I would really spend a fortune on you. Even giving my whole wealth is really ok. Because.. There is just nothing that I absolutely can do for you. I can't be there for you, even if I'm there.. you wouldn't even be looking for me, instead you would turn to your other friends. You would never seek advice from me.. I can't even give what my thoughts are.. coz you would never ask. I can't be that person who can cheer you up when you're sad. My words prob won't mean a thing anyway. This is what I really mean by insignificant.. I'm not sure whats your thoughts on it. But it really is what I think. I'm just completely nothing. And I can do nothing. And there is nothing to do to change that. No matter what I do.. It's just either gonna make things worse or stay the same. So really.. If the only thing that I can do is giving you things that makes you happy. Then let it be. Coz that's the only one thing. But of course. No one understands. They think its stupid. Maybe it is after all.

Can't I be at least that?

Like really..
I'm not asking you to love me
I'm not asking you to be mine
I really am not
I just wanna be that friend
That's close enough to you
Someone you would talk to everyday
Someone you would share your feelings.. your thoughts
You don't need to ask me how I am.. Not that you ever do
Just please.......... acknowledge me
Let me know that I exist within your life..
Don't make me this insignificant hopeless person
Who has given up everything
Just to know it's for nothing
Can't I just be at least that?
Like those people you're close with
Those people I envy so much
Why is it so hard to be a part of you
Why :(
I feel so pathetic that I can't even be the least of what I can be :s
Is my fear really blocking this friendship?
I'm afraid that if I do more it will cross the friendship border line
So I stop. But................................ sigh :(

stuck

The whole world seems to be moving
Except for mine..
I am stuck in this time
The time where I miss you so much
The time where I wish we would talk
The time where I wish you would say something
The time where I wish I could express my feelings
The time where I wish I don't have fear to lose you
I'm just stuck
And I don't even wanna move

I really miss you so much :(
And these tears won't stop
I don't know what to do
I can't even say it
I can't express it
There's just absolutely nothing I can do about it?!
But cry myself to sleep..

Unrequited Love

Unlike physical pain/injury, this is a soul hurt, you can feel it physically, but there's nothing you can do about it.. you can go out, you can try to have fun... you can try to enjoy life, but at the end of the day, you're laying there alone, and just want to cry yourself asleep. And unlike cheating, which can give you a reason to get over it, you cling to it and cling to it. Then you feel like there is no way you could ever be loved again... could ever love again. Unlike labor, or any of those other things, it does not pass in a few days or weeks, you feel it for much longer. Then you don't eat, and you don't sleep and you get sick with something too, but you don't care enough to try and get better. More than that, everything you do do becomes mechanical. You can't focus on anything. You can only manage tasks requiring your hands, not your mind. It goes from a ripping pain to sheer numbness. Then people go on to tell you that all it takes is time, time, time, time. But time doesn't move fast enough. And you don't even know if you want to get over it, because you don't know if you can ever love again. I know that pain very well... and not only to lose that love, but to lose friends at the same time... it hurts horribly bad. Every breathe is painful... you wonder why you even bother.... yea, I know that feeling. And no, there's nothing worse.... well, yea, there is, think you're loved, and then told you're not, then be told you're loved as more than a friend but less than a lover, then be told you can be friends and not only have that friendship, but several others ripped out from under you and have to pretend that nothing is wrong. Yea.... that old familiar pain. 

I know that pain.