Secretly Admiring

Have you ever secretly admired someone and never be able to express the feeling?
Raise your hand if you do! There are a few reasons why we can't say love to the object of our affection. First, they already have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Second, he/she is just unreachable (differences in social status, economy, even sexual orientation). Third, it's better to secretly love them rather than making them your girl/boyfriend. According to some people, they choose to be the third one as it won't lead into any complication and they can still love them without ruining the relationship.

Admiring someone from a distance has its own beauty. I think, keeping someone from a distance is actually harder than pulling someone to be really close. Let say, I'm someone who's full of confident. Then when I like someone, I will just make them mine straight away. But to keep someone from a distance and still keeping in touch with them, that's the beauty that has its own pleasure.

Imagine a kite. Between the string that is attached between the holder and the kite, there's a big distance. Sometimes, the kite will go closer and sometimes it will go further. As high as it can go, as long as the string is still attached, the holder will always be able to see the kite in the blue sky. The kite game is very fun. Can we imagine playing the same game to the person that we secretly admired?

When we love someone from a distance, we only see the beauty of it. It's like when we view the mountain that is very pretty from far away. Lets try to hike the mountain and we will know how cruel it is. Loving someone from a distance means we crystallized their beauty and won't be disturbed by all of their weaknesses as a human.

Sadly, not everyone is able to do that. When the desire to get closer and a strong will can't be restrained, many will end up doing stupid things that they later regret. In many cases, distance is safety. But distance can also be an emptiness that longs to be filled. The ability to secretly loving someone from a distance is a love pleasure that has a different feeling.

With technologies and the presence of social media, what's interesting from secretly admiring someone is of course reading what our object of affections writes. Never forgets and always make a time to know how they are doing. What differentiates between reading the person that we like and those who we secretly admired is of course the feeling when you read their writings. To those who we secretly admired, there's no feeling of heartache or disappointment or anger when we know their thoughts and feelings. What's there is feeling of happiness and joy looking at them growing and be more mature.

In my case, secretly loving someone means viewing them from a distance, but still keep them as a close friend. If I can't be a close friend, then it's still fine. It's enough by only admiring them from a distance, as there's pleasure that doesn't differ much from kissing our lover. Secretly loving someone means secretly having them in our heart, filling the empty space that can't be replaced.

- Translated from Indo Article -

Sydney or Perth ?!?!

Sydney Perth Sydney Perth Sydney Perth ?!?!!?!??!
SIGHHH.. I honestly HATE making decisions.
And I always don't know what I want which makes it even harder
I think the last major decision I made was doing Actuarial or Architecture
Which I think was stupid for even considering archi.. =.=
Anyway.. This is even a more life changing thing.
Hmm..What I hope.. Rather than considering master in perth or syd.. The best solution is get a job in Melb!! hhaha.. Found this PERFECT job advertised but then.. I really don't know if I can get it or not.

Graduate Role
Risk Analyst
GE - good company
60k plus i think
Melbourne

= DREAM JOB

Well not dream job, but it's what I want. Anyway.. that's just the really uncertain solution. And a miracle if it really come true. On the other side.. sydney or perth. Let see why I wanna move and why I don't

SYDNEY:
- after consulting with many people, they said I should move. Hm.. When I think about it.. Yes.. In the long term it's probably better.. Great Uni.. New life.. But the downside. It's expensive there! rent etc.. its crazy. I honestly feel really bad for my parents. I could tell that they want me to stay in Perth. I mean I could save 10k plus a year if I stay in Perth. But anyway.. thoughts of mine. I'm scared the uni is really hard that I'm going to struggle a lot coz I've been very dependent with my friends. But maybe I'll try harder. New life.. new love? I don't know. I think I can get over that person if I move. And prob find someone else? dunno. I'm scared of change.. finding new friends won't be easy. I'm scared to be lonely there =s

PERTH:
- Well.. Good thing is I could save a lot of money by staying in Perth. Everything is pretty much there for me. Nothing to worry. I'm so used to with everything. I have everything there! Have all my friends too. Curtin is easier.. Still got friends there. And I could study with that person. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. I might suffer even more. But I don't know. I think it's not good for the long run. But then.. it's tempting after all. Hm.. UWA is not that bad. But I don't know.. It doesn't really appeal to me. Plus I can prob learn to drive find a good casual job.

I don't know if it's that bad staying in Perth. Why does everyone wanna move to a bigger city? I mean.. That has obviously come across my mind.. Hence why I even considered Sydney. But when I think about it again. I really love my comfort zone. Really love it. At some point, I sort of made a decision that I Should stay in Perth. But now after talking to that person who advice me to move, I'm re-thinking everything again! Wanting to be independent? Lots of people want that. Then I think to myself. Why do I not want to move? Oh I forgot.. I have been independent for years! Yes.. staying in perth and moving to syd is the same. Maybe at this point my heart still wants to stay in perth. But what made me waver is the fact that everyone said it's better to move and I know the reason why. I know it's better. But i still feel a bit reluctant about it. I like my life. Well not always. But it's not bad. IM STIL CONFUSED AFTER ALL. Talking to many ppl even made me more confused! I really can't decide. Why can't the perfect solution come true? That's the only thing I can think abt!!!

Suffocated

The feeling is so strong these days..
I feel so suffocated..
When I saw you today.. It literally feels like it was so hard to breathe..
I couldn't breathe properly.
It's not the first time..
Every time we study together.. It also feels the same..
Why does the feeling has to be so strong?
Maybe it's my own fault..
No one to blame but me..
I feel so suffocated..
I want you quite badly..
I've been dreaming about you nearly everyday
I think on the back of my mind I can only think about you..
I like you so much >.<
What should I do?

sick of it

im sick of this life!
so sick of it!
it's the end of uni..
but i feel more stress than ever..
what to do with my future?
f it.

cant get a job? does it bother me? NO.
so what bothers me?
THE FACT THAT OTHERS GOT IT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!
the fact that people will judge me
that im incapable
despite my VERY HARD WORK
that hurts more.
i dont give a damn if i couldnt get a job.. if that happens to everyone.
but no.. it only happens to that one person who tries the most
how i feel life is not fair
nothing is fair.

its time to go away
move away from this crappy world
maybe this is my chance
to start a new life
new friends
new environment
new love
new everything
im sick being here
i wanna get out!

I like you.. But it's time to let go..

Yes I like you
Yes it's been a while..
And my feeling has not change at all..
I like you a lot
Sometimes I like you even more..
Today you made me happy somehow..
I'm happy to be around you..
You made my heart smile..

But maybe it will be time to say goodbye soon..
I think it's best if I get away from you..
I think it's best if I forget about you..
You are the reason why I'm so motivated..
But I feel like you pressured me so much..
That I feel depressed every day..
You made me happy and sad at the same time..
It's too confusing..
I need a new life..
I can't stay by you forever..
I should really get away and move on..
I don't know if I can keep the friendship or not..
It'll be sad.
But I'll just bear with it.

I like you a lot.
Very very much indeed
But it's time to let go..

Escaping Reality

Wow.. I haven't written in here for a long time..
Lots of things happened.. but for now I wanna write about what I'm feeling..
Escaping reality.
I have been trying to escape from reality for this past weeks.. maybe months..
I don't know why.. but I just don't feel like facing the reality
I've been living in my lala land
Where I can relax and feel happy
Watching dramas fills me with fantasy
False hope and comfort
And that't the world I'm living it at the moment..
I know somehow and someday I have to get out of this bubble
I think I'm avoiding it coz I have to much to bear in mind..
First of all, my future..
And so I'm in my last semester..
I can't believe time flies just in a blink of an eye
I remember the confusion I had when I was about to finish high school..
What major should I do? I have to do good in TEE.. this determines my life
I remember having those thoughts
Somehow it's dejavu..
Uni life is ending..
And I have to make another decision as to where I wanna head into..
This time it's bigger and I have to think carefully
Finding work hasn't been easy at all.. I still have to be patient
Or is there something else that I meant to do?
And is that the reason God hasn't given me the best job yet?
Am I suppose to do post grad?
Am I suppose to change course?
I really don't know..
I honestly don't like Actuarial Science
And I don't plan to become an Actuary either
But I don't know what I like..
I don't know what I want..
I don't know what I wanna be..
That's why I'm so confused..
How can I lead my life when I don't even know what I even want?!
I keep thinking and thinking..
And I still can't find the answer yet..
I hope I will find it soon
Secondly, I've been slacking so much that I'm behind all my units
I really need to catch up soon..
Maybe because it's last semester that I don't have any motivation at all
Literally zero.. And it's so bad
I just wanna get it over and done with..
I don't want to do any studies..
Sighhhh... That's why I'm escaping reality..

Bitter Truth

Fate is not on my side for sure
Just when it's nearing to that first year mark
I found out the bitter truth about you
I cannot believe that I've been blinded all these time
It's really hard to accept this fact..
And I can't believe how far you have gone...
It's too much for me to know..
To handle.. to grasp.. or even just to think about it..
It ruins ur perfect image
And I am saddened by it..
I don't know why fate brings me to know this truth
But now that I think about it..
Everything make sense..
The puzzle is turning into a picture..
This bitter truth is killing me for sure
I just cannot believe it...
Whyyyyy...

A Step Further?

I always wonder.. what the future holds for me
It's been almost a year since the day that we first met
Since that moment that you caught my eyes
My feeling has not changed at all..
It grew deeper as time goes by..

So I guess we're friends now..
But then what?
I really cannot take a step further than this
To me.. it's the chasing moment forever..
Chasing for nothing that is..
I just enjoy the moment I spend with you
Although it probably means nothing to you
But it means everything to me
Just to know that you're there is already enough for me..

I'm blinded by your perfection
Though I know in reality that nobody is perfect
But you just seem to be an exception

I am pretty much stuck in this stage
We're not even close friends
We don't have many mutual friends
We don't really have any common interest
I really don't know what kept us going

Our conversation is always short and simple
And that is the furthest it could go..
Will I ever take the next step?
I really don't know
It's hard to decide now..

I guess.. let it be and let it flow..
See where time brings us
See what fate holds for me..

disappointed

Waiting waiting n waiting..
That's all i've been doing this whole day
Anticipating for our meeting
Excited and disappointed at the same time
Why do u always give me these feelings?
Feelings or worry, joy, excitement, disappointment, sadness etc
You give me all these mix feelings that made me confused
And don't know what to feel anymore
Don't know what to expect
Good or bad.. anything can happen
I feel so lost..

I don't know what you think of me
Or how do u see me
But I know for a fact that I ain't important
You keep toying with this feelingz
Promising this and that
But you never keep your words!
Which pisses me off =s
And it keeps me waiting
I gain hope thru ur words
But you crushed it every time

I just want to forget..

Our last meeting was seriously a nightmare for me
I can't stop thinking about it
And every time I do think about it,
It gives me the most unpleasant feeling

I seriously tried to forget about you this last couple days
Whenever the thoughts of you come to my mind
I tried to think about something else
Yet doing this is extremely hard

Honestly, it's not the first time I feel this way
And whenever it occurs
I feel haunted by the experience
This unease feeling is killing me

I just can't seem to forget about you yet
Sometimes I just wish to be amnesia
So I can forget about everything instantly
Maybe it's better that way

what's left within me is tears and heartbreak

The sadness within me, when things didn't go the way i expected
I tried to cheer myself up by watching comedies
But only tears fall down from my eyes
Disappointment after disappointment
Everything just piles up at the same time
I can't control it any longer
Fool fool fool
That's what I am
Stupid for expecting
Dumb stupid fool why am I like this?
Why am I so blinded by this love?
I am disappointed at myself and everything else
F it! coz what's left within me is tears and heartbreak

Jumbled up thoughts

Today, you made my heart pound all over again
The excitement waiting for your reply
The disappointment that you took so long to reply
All feelings mix into one
I don't know what to call it anymore

Why do you appear in my dreams so often?
And why are you always the villain in my dreams?
Whenever I wake up, I feel glad that it's only a dream
Afraid that it will become reality
When we won't even be friends anymore
I'm really scared of that

Sad and happy
My feelings are all mixed up
I'm too confused
Not knowing how to feel
Only expecting a little bit
Knowing nothing will return

I'm trying to control myself
Not pouring everything to you
Not to hope
Not to feel a thing
I'm teaching myself to be numb
But somehow I just can't
It's too hard

Tell me why you exist in my life
What is the meaning of this?
Everything is unpredictable
Quite curious to what the future holds

Here's just some jumbled up thoughts

The littlest thing you say makes a big difference in my day

It's been one of the longest time we haven't talk
About 3 weeks that is..
It feels like forever to me..
And so I had the chance to talk to you yesterday..
I was gna wait for you to call me first
But I guess that won't happen
So I took the chance and talked to you..
I was quite surprised when you greet me with
"hey! long time no talk"
So you realized that we haven't talk for quite a while
Even tho that's only a small thing
It really made my day
I feel quite special thru those words..
So as usual.. I made the topics
And you being your usual way.. quite passive in the conversation
Anyway, we didn't talk for long..
But it's okay..
You said you were going to sleep..
And as usual.. I like the way you say "gdnite =)"
What surprised me even more is when you asked when I'm going back..
And the climax of the story is when you said..
"anyway we shld go out for lunch or something wen u come bak =)"
OMG.. even though.. that's probably nothing for many people
It's actually the most surprising thing that I've ever encountered..
I can't explain my happiness..
My heart was overflowed with joy.. and still is..
I kept smiling today thinking about our conversation yest.
The littlest thing you say makes a big difference in my day..

The Story of A Fool

You know it's impossible
You know it wont work
Yet you still insist to continue with it
Somehow you just can't let go of the love
You crave for it
You want it badly
More than anything else in the world

It breaks you down again and again
It crushes your heart all the time
It gives you false hope
It makes you curious to what it's like having it
It's painful and distracting
Yet you cannot live without it

You keep trying to get their heart
Their attention and love
You put all your heart and soul
All your mind and hope
You wait patiently for them day by day
You give your everything to them
And what you get in return is nothing
Nothing but looking like a fool to them and the world

Here's the story of a fool
Who keeps going on and on about this stupid thing
When you perfectly know that it won't happen
Not in a million years..
That's why I'm a fool