Overwhelming

How to convince myself that I don't like you?
How to convince myself that I no longer care?
I can't.........
I tried, but I cannot..
Why can't I be mad at you for longer?
Why can't I just hate you?
The feelings are just too strong and overwhelming
I don't know......
I don't know what to do
When the tears keep rolling down :(
A day passed since my birthday
I've used up my quota
There's nothing to look forward to anymore
You're not going to talk to me
And I can't talk to you either :(
I've used up all my quota.....
Ten million whys in my head
This is way too overwhelming :'(

Why is love so irrational

Keep telling myself to be strong
Coz I keep wanting to cry everytime the thought of you comes to mind :(
I gave in and started the convo today
Sigh I don't know
I just miss you so much :(
Why is love so irrational
Seems like my sanity has been washed away
I know everything
I know why things happened
But it doesn't stop me from hurting :(

Once in a while

Hm.. these days.. I try to avoid thoughts about you
At least when the memory comes I try to dodge it
I don't know..
The pain is still there
And it still hurts once in a while
I still cry once in a while
I still miss you once in a while
I still wonder about what you do once in a while
I guess I'm trying to reduce the intensity
And it's a slow process
I am still waiting for you to call me
Coz I still like you.. a lot

Gloomy day

They say there's sunshine after the rain
But it's been gloomy for so long :(
There are days when I'm fine
But at times like this.. I just want you so badly
The tears are pounding up again
Why can't you show that you at least care?
Your bitter words and coldness
Why so cruel..
Still trying to convince myself that I no longer care
But I cannot hide my feelings.

The most difficult part is forgetting the memories..

Forgetting someone isn't easy, but sometimes the most difficult part is forgetting the memories we've made with that person.

You see loves a funny thing the way it lingers in the mind
No matter what you do or the passing of time
That ember still glows for those lovers behind
No matter if its well remembered
That light still shines
Good times take precedent over every incident

Ah.. the memories.. its too much at times :(

I can only pretend

I can only pretend that I don't care
I can only pretend that it's alright
I can only pretend that nothing is wrong
I can only pretend that I'm fine
All I can do is pretend, coz in reality it's almost impossible
Not unless I have a memory loss or I cannot feel anymore
I'm just a normal human
But if you want it that way, then there's nothing I can do
But to suppress everything inside
Coz it's a fact that my feelings are true
And these feelings are inevitable
You were never a friend
You were always more
Much more than you know
So if this is how you want it
Then I can only pretend that you're my friend

Sorry ;(

Sorry :(

Can you forget everything I said?

I was mad..

I was just so angry at everything

I'm sorry

I know that it's not your fault

But I'm just so mad

I don't know what to do either..

Sorry :(

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

:(

The end

Ah... and here it is
The day that I feared the most has finally come..
It's lost and completely gone
I couldn't hold it for any longer
You can't accept it either
And so here is the end to everything..
I was so mad..
And so it was fine..
It felt fine and good to be able to let it out
But now..........................
There is no word to express this feeling anymore..
God knows how long this will last
Just another battle I suppose..

Maybe next time

I guess I'll say it another time
I guess I'll just suck it up again this time
I should be ok..
How can I get mad at you when you talk to me like that sigh
Just when you talk to me that was enough to erase all the bad memories
Sigh.. It's only that it keeps on repeating over and over again
I guess I'll just suck it up.
I'm not trying to blame you..
But just think about it this way
You say that you'll prob be busy til forev
And you say that you haven't been talking to me coz you're busy..
See the correlation?
You'll never be not busy
And if business is the reason you don't talk, wouldn't it mean you just won't talk forever?
I'm not asking to talk everyday
Just once in a while it's ok
But at this rate it seems like it would be never
Its like.. you don't stop talking to your friends coz you're busy
I bet you there's still people you talk to everyday
I'm jealous ok... Coz you still update everyone
And you still want to talk to all your friends
You miss them
But.. me..... who am I again to you?!
Nobody.

Tell me..

Even if I were to say it, I wouldn't know where to start
There's too many things to say
Things that's been pounding up for so long
I don't know if I could express them anymore
Did I make a mistake again?
It feels like I did

Sigh.. Who am I to ask so much of you anyway
Sorry.. I should have known better
I thought what I wanted was simple
You know.. Just.. A good friend..
But as times goes by it feels like I will never reach it
And if you don't want me to be one, then how could I?

At the very least tell me who am I to you
Was I ever a good enough friend to you?
Or was it all my delusions?
Tell me if things will just stay like this
If I'm just going to keep getting hurt
If it's ever possible to go back to the way it was
Tell me....

It's gone and not coming back again

Once something is gone, it'll just be gone
Why am I so stupid thinking that it could go back?
The answer is it won't
And it will never be the same again

As usual you give your one sentence treatment
It's like yeh I'm still answering you coz I need to
But that's about all, you're not gonna ever look for me to talk like you used to
You're not ever gna be excited about meeting me or anything like that just like you would for your other friends.

The point is it's lost.
It's gone..
Yet I'm here still wishing that time would rewind
And that someday it would be like how it used to be
Not knowing that it's all just an empty hope

It hurts so much
Yet I don't know if you could ever understand
If you ever read this, you'd prob say something absolutely logical
And I'll just be even more hurt

So tell me.. What should I do?

And I wonder how many more of these nights do I have to go through?
How much more tears do I have to shed over the stupidest little things
You're hurting me so bad though I'm sure you're not aware of it
Your silence.. Why can't you talk to me like you used to
I'm not asking to talk everyday
But at the very least like once a fortnight?
Yet you talk so much to other people
I just cannot help this jealousy
Or wish that things could go back to the way it was
I just don't know how to stop
This feeling is just so intense I literally don't know what to do
Just one random word or anything
Any little things will be good enough
Just to keep me alive and sane
But instead I'm being kept alive in this state
You might as well hate me so I'd stop
But I'm so scared to lose you

I guess it's all my fault.
I don't know how much more do I have to hate myself
Coz I just cannot be good enough
Trying or not trying it hurts
Whatever I do is just wrong
So tell me, what should I do to be a good enough friend?
Coz you're pushing me away without knowing
And there's nothing worse than this
The more I try talking to you
The more I'm turning myself into a fool
So tell me.. What should I do?

Wish you'd know

I know that you prob hate it when I post status updates
But at times I wish you'd know the pain I'm going through
How hard it is to live day by day
Just to tell myself not to cry
Coz it gets too much at times

I just need to know that you still care
Or that I have not completely disappeared from your life
Coz as the day goes by, it seems that I'm fading away
And that's what hurts the most
And the more I try to push myself into your life
The more I feel so pathetic and hurt
I want to be inside, but I'm not invited
I want to care, but I'm not wanted
Am I really that bad? :(

Out of the picture

Now that I think about it
I prob made myself look more like a fool
It's so bloody stupid
I don't know why I did it..

Who do you talk to everyday :(
And why am I out of the picture..
If only..
I know that things are not the same anymore
And prob won't be anyway
But the memories
The stupid memories
Arghhhhhhhhh.......... How to erase them
Coz it's hurting me so badly

The impossibility of a relationship never hurts me
But being out of the picture.. Hurts :(

Four things that never fails to hurt me

There are 4 things that always hurt me no matter what. Even when I know why it's happening, but these 4 things never fail to hurt me.

1. When you ignore my questions.. Although yes I'm getting used to it. Sometimes.. I tried to let go, but in the end I still get upset. Although knowing that you always said that you're "busy" I know that you are, but as I said.. no one's ever too busy. It's a matter of priority. And what's annoying is that you're literally constantly online. Although you're saying that you're just checking these msgs if they're important or not.. I know that you do, but still.. you'd reply them. It's like how that person knows when you go home everyday.. That just proves that you talk with that person everyday. Or how that other person keeps telling what you're up to.. it's like you update them.. and sigh I guess it's the left out feeling =( And the other part is that every single time,, and literally I mean every single time.. On average it wld take abt 30 minutes before I say anything to you. I would plan it all ahead in my head.. How the flow would go, thinking what could the possible reply be, etc, etc.. and plus gather up the courage to say it, because I know you might ignore it anyway. It's like I put in so much effort and sometimes all I get is just ignorance.. Like how can I not be dumbfounded?

2. When you treat your friends so special. Hm yes this hurts.. because I do get jealous. And its like I cant help it? And it's like literally something to die for feeling. Argh... I would pay anything to get there and it's my ultimate goal to be that special to you. And there were times when I felt really special.. So everytime, it feels like I had it and completely lost it. When you were nice to me, it felt like I was in cloud 9. So yes, I get really jealous and upset about this :(

3. When I find out things about you from other people. It's like.. You didn't tell me?! I know that you have no obligation to say it. But you used to tell me things. So when I found out stuff from other people, it never fails to hurt me. Feels like I'm being left out coz I'm always the last one to know. When I always just want to know everything about you.

4. When I wanna talk to you so bad, but I can't. Well I want to talk to you every second of the day, but of course that's just too much. Sometimes I would test myself and see how long I can go for without talking to you. Usually 2 weeks is the max. And then I would test if you'd notice. But.. lol.. that's just the stupidest thing ever.. Coz no.. not in a million years you would notice such thing. Anyway, sometimes I just miss you so badly and wanna know how you going. One word usually makes me happy, it means that I'm still somehow in the picture and that you haven't completely depict me yet. But most of the times I'm too scared that I'll bother you and you get annoyed. So.. I restrain myself from saying anything. And that's one of the hardest thing to do.

It's a matter of time before I snap

It's just a matter of time before I snap
And completely lost it
I don't know how much longer I can sustain this
The constant pain.. disappointment.. anger.. frustration..
Everything is just piling up..
And always there's nothing I can do about it
I honestly honestly don't know how to reduce the expectation
How to not feel... I don't know how
And it just keeps on hurting every single time
And sometimes I want you to know
That you're hurting me so badly :(
But it's not your fault.......
I know...... I know that it's not your fault
And I don't want to blame you either
But what should I do
Can you care a bit more?
I know that you still reply.....
But your short words gets on my nerve
Your ignorance gets on my nerve..
Today I risked so much just to have a conversation
It was stupid of me...
I know that it was wrong, but I did it anyway
If only you knew how much effort it takes to actually talk to you
Or comes up with a topic
Or to gather up the courage to say something
If only you knew :(
Every little thing counts and matters to me..

What's the future anyway?

Sometimes I think to myself
Whats the point of thinking about the future?
All I hear is that it's better for the future
And I'm just so sick of it
Yes I know that
But what's the point of that
When the present itself is already like hell
When I can't even enjoy life in the present
What's the point of thinking about the future?
Coz in the end we will all die anyway
And there is no future coz everyday is the present
But the present is just so bitter

What have I done so wrong to deserve this?

I dont know if anyone can understand this
What it feels like to just cry and cry everyday
Over the stupidest little things
Honestly. It's just so crazy
When you wanna give so much
But you don't know what to give
Coz you have nothing
And you're not needed nor wanted
Then what do you do?
I keep hitting my head telling myself to snap out of it
Oh God.. What have I done so wrong to deserve this :(
I just hate myself so much, coz I'm not and will never be good enough

How..

Jealousy. Hope. Wish. Expectations.
They're all life destroyer..
That one word you wrote..
Hurts me so much..
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How to not feel?
Really.. how...............
Why won't I snap out of it?
I know I know I know..............
How to be that person?
I just cant
I can never be good enough
Or special enough..
No matter what....
And it kills me so much
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............
Tell me how :(

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

I know that staying in love is by choice
And it is my choice to still love you regardless the impossibility of us together
And I am willing to take the consequences in the future
Because it is my choice
But if you won't allow me to love you
Then there's nothing I can do
But to be hurt
Coz nothing.. will change.
Until the moment I decided to fall out of love
I'm not saying that it's impossible
But all I know is I don't want it now
Knowing that I'm just wasting time
But I just don't care
Coz really, logic and common sense just don't play through anymore
I don't understand why
But that's how it is now

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

Really.. What can I do :(

I don't care if I have to waste 10 more years of my life
Or even my whole life
Just to like you
Even after knowing the impossibility..
I honestly really don't care anymore
Coz if I care
I wouldn't have kept it for so long
I know the truth
I know and completely understand it
Just keep being nice to me
Even if you think it's bad
How much worse can it be than living like this?
Honestly.. This is not even living anymore
This is literally human cruelty
What's the point of living like this
Even when you're miles apart
Even when we just talk once or twice a month
My whole day... morning til night
Is only filled by the thoughts of you..
It's honestly a torture..
So why can't things be just like before?
Why won't you allow me to still like you?
I don't know if I could ever say it to you tho
I'm honestly so so scared of losing all of you =(
Losing part of you is already killing me so much
I cannot imagine to lose you completely
So I hold back
I suppress it so hard
But oh god.. If only you knew this pain
What it feels like to hurt everyday
This is just so crazy
Why can't the tears stop
I want you to know that it's hurting me so bad
But I know you'd hate it when I post things..
Oh really.. What can I do :(

Cold Truth

I know that I don't have much to give

And there's probably nothing that you need from me

But I would give you my everything if I could

And I would not hold back on anything for you

Coz you mean so much to me

Just absolutely everything

But you don't want any of that

And you don't need any of that

This is the cold truth

And there's nothing I can do

When will it stop?

It's not that I don't know
It's not that I don't understand
It's not that it doesn't make sense
It's just that it hurts
And it doesn't stop
Will time really heals everything?
Why does it move so slowly..
And this constant pain..
When will it stop?

All Over Again

Arghhhhhh I should just get used to it
I should just know that I'm no longer that special
I should know.. and I know
But why can't it hurt any less?
Why do I still feel the way I feel?
I literally don't know how to stop this feeling
I don't know how to not feel the way I feel
Only tears pounds up again and again
And just always
What can I do?
Really... what can I do? =(
It's not ur fault
And I can't say anything to you..
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh............... what should I do........
And how to stop this.............
It's happening all over again

If my brain can stop thinking.. And my heart can stop feeling..

If my brain can stop thinking
And my heart can stop feeling
Then maybe everything will be alright
Coz this constant battle everyday
A war I'm having myself
Consumes my emotions so much
To the point I wish I can just be gone

GOING SO FKIN CRAZY ALREADY.

What do you do when everything is just wrong?
What do you do??????
I really don't know
Even doing nothing is wrong
How much longer do I have to endure this?
It's just so tiring :(
Can't things just go back to they way it was?
I was fine....... It was fine
Will alcohol makes it better?
Will drugs makes it better?
Will suicide makes it better?
WHAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER???????
I REALLY DONT KNOW ANYMORE
AND ITS SO BLOODY FRUSTRATING
REALLY........ WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GOING SO FUCKING CRAZY.

Coz it's all bound to be the same anyway

Nothing you do or say will make me like you any less.. 
It prob will hurt me, but it won't be a reason for me to stop

And really.. The ultimate truth is that I don’t want to like anyone else
Even if there's a million better people out there
It doesn't even matter anymore 

And if you worry about the future, its already as fucked up as it is now. 

How much worse can it be? 

Now is already hell, so how much more of a hell can it be later? 

If the outcome is always going to be the same, why can’t I just be happy for a bit more? 

Powerful Quote ~

 

How did I lose it?

Maybe you should stop saying that you're busy
Coz the truth is, its a matter of priority
You're not the only one that works til midnite
No one's ever too busy
Just how you still have time for your other friends
I know that it's not your fault
I know that I shouldn't be blaming you
I know everything
But I just wish that I can be somewhat a priority
Like I used to be..
You used to tell me things regardless you're busy or not
Now it's just a short and cold reply
How did I lose it?
Things that I've built for 4 years
Things that I've work hard for
That I invested myself in
How did I lose it?

This I know but still I can’t find ways to let you go

Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday that seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could been now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can’t find ways to let you go
I never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be the one I love

Just a mask

Yes I'm living fine
I eat I breathe I work I sleep
But inside.. It's all completely torn apart
And tears would flow everyday
I may be smiling or laughing
But it's just a mask to cover up my sorrow

Was never good enough and will never be

I guess i was never good enough in the first place
They were all delusions and lies
Why do i still have hope when clearly theres nothing more?
Why?
I'm just a stupid fool
That keeps hurting myself
Can't even be the least I can be
Your silence is killing my soul
Though you think it might be better
It's honestly killing me in and out

Even in the midst of the busyness of life.

It's nearly 12am
Just got back from work
It's been such a long day
But still somehow all I can think about is you
Wondering how you going
What's life like over there
Have I ever crossed your mind in the midst of your busy life?
Probs not..
They say I should give you time to settle down
And stop bombarding questions
So I have
But..... Why is it so painful to suppress everything?
What can I do though..
Even in the midst of my busiest time
There's always a room for you..

Even though there's a million reason to give up, as long there's one reason to hold on, then I won't give up

Everyone agreed that it's a good thing that I moved away
Well, yes it's good if I want to get over you
But I don't... I dont i dont i dont i dont i dont
And I dont know how many times I should repeat it
BUT I DONT
I don't want to
I know that there's a million reason why I should
But as long as there is one reason why I should not then I won't
And it's so hard
Coz I'm trying to keep things together
I'm trying to keep things the way it was
I'm trying so hard.. But I'm doing it alone
And I'm losing everything bit by bit
The more I try the more I'm losing it

What should I do?

I tried..
I tried to keep myself busy
So I won't think about you
But I can't avoid it
I just cannot :(
Arghhh what should I do..
When I wanna talk to you
When I wanna see you..
When I wanna know how you going..
Argh.. what should I do?
Please tell me :(
Coz it's hurting so much
How to stop the tears
Just.. how..
Why can't things just go the way I want it to be?
I just..... wanna be your friend.................

Say Something

What a perfect song..



A song about someone who's really in love with someone. It's the kind of love that, to you, would have been forever. You try so hard, constantly giving your love to this person. You have finally given your complete heart and soul, all invested in this person, but the other person hasn't even given them half of that. You would go to the ends of the earth with or for this person, but you would not receive the same treatment. Eventually, it's too much. Giving everything you have to someone and receiving very little in return has consumed your thoughts, so you just want something. Just for the other person to say something. For the whole song, you're waiting, drawing it out just to give them more chances. Finally, you know that you will never be as loved as you love this person, so you swallow your pride, swallow that gut feeling that you're doing something wrong and should turn back, and instead says goodbye. Once a fighter, you have now admitted defeat, you have now given up on this person.

Because there's nothing else that I want

Argh......... I still cannot let go
Yet alone move on
I literally refuse to let go..
I know that it's torturing me like crazy
But I don't know why I'm just so bloody stubborn about it
It's like... There's nothing else..
Absolutely NOTHING else in this world that I want
I don't want money
I don't want fame
I don't want power
I don't want any of that........
I just want.. you..................
At least.. your attention.
So I'm going crazy that I'm losing it.

Too scared to lose what remains

Im so scared to lose you
To lose that friendship
That barely exist these days
But at least dont make me lose whats left
Im so scared to interrupt you
Im so scared to say hello
It seems like you dont have the time..
Im so scared that u'll hate me
Im just so scared to lose what remains..
Ive lost enough.. Dont make me lose more..
But what should i do?
When the pain is just so great
I wanna talk to u so badly
I wanna know how u going
I wanna know everything
I just want it so badly
Even when i try to convince myself that i dont
Tears would just flow unwillingly
I really dont know what to do
How to not feel miserable
How to not be depressed
I dont know anymore
Whatever i do seems wrong

Incomprehensible

If I say it, I will lose you
If I don't say it, I'm going crazy
I just don't know anymore..
Both is just as bad..
But option 2 is slightly better..

You see..
I'm ok if you ignore me
I still have my common sense
And understands that you're really busy
But when you're online over 50 times talking to them today
How can I not lost it?
It doesn't make sense..
It's not even logical

You say not to expect so much
But is one word or one second absolutely too much to ask for?
Tell me.. :(

Just incomprehensible.

One Second.. One word.. That's All I Need.

You know.. it doesn't take that much to make me happy
To cheer me up, to make my day..
Even one word.. is enough..
Just a little bit.. Even one second of your time is enough
But you can't even spare one second of your day..
I waited patiently everyday.. every moment.. every minute.. every second
Hoping for a tiny tiny miracle to just happen..
And sometimes.. that's just never.
Really.. is one second of your time too much to ask for?
I don't know what I should do to just get that one second of your time
Without me forcing it..
It's not fair.. they all took it for granted :(
You talk so much to them, it's bullshit if you denied it
I'm holding so much in.......................
And how am I suppose to say this?
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I don't understand..
What's that magic spell
If hard work and persistency just don't work anymore
What is that magic spell? Does such thing exist?
Going so crazyyyyy........

You still surrounds my whole world

I may be living
Thousand miles apart from you
But it's as if my soul never leaves
My mind
My heart
Everything still revolves around you
Even after so many months passed by
Even by the distance
Even by the lack of time spent
Even by the lack of communication
You still surrounds my whole world

Simply perfection

No I don't feel like i'm crazy anymore
I know that i am for sure
So crazy about you
Too madly in love
Your perfection and imperfection
Everything is just beyond what word can say..
Theres nothing i want you to change
Coz you're simply the definition of perfect..

A week of silence

I guess it'll be a week of silence
I won't interrupt your busy life
And I guess it's fine if you don't have time talk to me..
You have enough friends that cares about you..
What does my hello and how are you means anyway
I am suppressing it so hard now..
Kept saying that it's ok and just to let it go..
I know that you're tired and it's been a hectic time for you...
I know and completely understand it..
But it's just when I hear stories from others, knowing that you treat them differently..
That's what hurts me the most
Coz really.. Am I just that insignificant?

How to go back?

I don't know why I keep torturing myself
Reading old convos.......
Haizzzzzzzz..........
It's literally torturing me..
Wishing that things can go back to the way it was
Wishing that you would talk to me more often
ARGHHHHHHHH JUDEEEEEE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP.
Why do I refuse to accept the truth
To let things go instead of dwelling in it...
I know.. I know what's right and what's wrong
But stilllllllll......... it's so hard to accept
It's so hard to let go.................
It aches so much
It's so painful :(
I hate it..................
What can I do to make it go back to the way it was?
Is it really impossible already?
Is it?
Tell me :(
But I don't wanna hear it if it is....................

I guess this is the only option

Sometimes it's really confusing as to what to do..
I'm here.. wanting to talk so much..
But I'm scared that I'll bother your busy life
I'm scared that I'll annoy you..
So I hold it back..
That's why it upsets me so much when you're constantly online
Coz I wanna talk to you so badly
But your friends can talk to you for granted
While I'm just.. staring at the screen..
I miss you so much :(
And it seems like there's nothing more I can do
I feel like if I push it more, I will lose you
And that's my biggest fear
So maybe just being miserable like this is the only way
At least you don't completely dislike me..
At least I hope not..
When will there be a day without tears.. sigh

Train of thoughts

And this is my train of thoughts..
There's many things I wanna ask
I wanna say
I wanna tell..
But everytime, I'm scared that you're busy
I'm scared that I'll annoy you if I talk too much
Then I'm scared that you'll avoid talking to me
So.. I restrained myself from saying anything
Though at times it drives me crazy
I just saved it.. for a one good conversation..
Sometimes I waited for a week.. or two..
Then I carefully choose a time
A time where I don't think you'd be busy
Where you'd just be at home
Then usually you'd still reply
And we would have just some short conversation
And sometimes, I thought to myself it's good enough that you still reply me
It usually lasted a few days, or could be a week..
Then I started missing you again
I just wanna talk to you.. Then I'm scared again
I'm scared if you ignore me
Coz that hurts so much..
Then I kept seeing you online everyday... could be every half an hour.. every 2 minutes.. every 2 hours
Kept wondering why you have so much to say to your friends
Why they have so much to say to you
And it's just so hard for me to keep the convo going..
So I just wonder and wonder..
Then started thinking what can I do to change the situation..
And I just don't know anymore.
And the whole process just repeats again and again
Everyday.. every week..

They say, if there is a will there is a way
They say, hard work will pay off
They say, nothing is impossible
But really, I have put in my everything into this..
I've given up so many things
And I would do anything.. Absolutely anything..
But even after all that..
I'm still left with nothing..
How can I not be frustrated?
How can I not be depressed?
This fucking life, just really.. What does it really take?
And I don't know how to change things
How to alter the situation..
I really don't know anymore :'(

Give me a break 😞

Just.. Give me a break already
I just need a day where I can focus on my life
Everyday it's too hard to concentrate on work or literally.. Anything..
Arghh every piece of info I heard abt you from other ppl just drives my thoughts so mad
I don't know how to live like this anymore :(

Bloody Frustrating

You know what drives me crazy?
Ok fine.. I called.. you took your bloody time to reply..
Fine.. thats fine.. I can deal with it
Then you replied.. then it'll take you another hour to reply again..
And I'll be like ok that's fine too.. at least you still replied
Maybe you're busy..
Then you became online every 2 minutes..
Ignoring my messages..
And I'll be like.. Ok maybee.. you're cheking your msgs
Then I waited patiently.. maybee you'll reply later
Even an ok.. or.. yep.. or anything a one word is ok..
You still acknowledge my msgs..
But nop.. you decided to just leave it there..
And sometimes I'll be like fine whatever.....
Then here comes the worst part..
You became online again.. every like 2 minutes again
And your friends become online as well
Then you talk to them for hours..
Ignoring my stupid msgs.. Of course.. mine is never important anyway.
Then next day passed by
With you CONSTANTLY.. and when I say constantly I mean it..
BLOODY ONLINE TALKING TO THEM
AND STILL IGNORING ME.
You see.. I can deal with you ignoring me
But when I know you ignored me while actively talking to them
THATS WHAT I CANT STAND THE MOST.
Sigh............. ITS JUST SO FRUSTRATING!

Like I wish you could appreciate me for a bit
My time my thoughts
On average it took me half an hour to one hour to say hello
I planned out all the things I wanna talk about first
In case we ran out of topic
And then it took me another half an hour to gather up the courage to say hello
I'm too scared that I'll be interrupting you
I took into account the time you'll be home and not out
I literally calculated everything.. the best timing, topic, etc
Then usually.. the plan is just ruined..
Coz... of your ignorance.

How can I not be frustrated?

Strangers again

We were once strangers
A few occasions passed by
We talked
Spent time
Became friends
Got closer
Then the unfortunate happened.
And now.. back to strangers again

I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept it
I thought I've accepted it already
Become accustomed by this whole situation
That I'm no longer that person
No longer close enough
Just a stranger.. in your busy life..
I know.. I know
But deep inside I can't help not to feel this longing
Like... I don't know how to suppress it
I tried and it's turning me so crazy

I'm just trying to live a life......
But why must it be so hard

And I think once you moved..
We'll drift apart even more.....
Arghhhhhh I don't know
I don't know how to stop this
I don't know howwwww...................................

Everything is filled by you

The thought of you filled up absolutely 100% capacity of my brain of my mind of absolutely every single part of me
I can't bloody concentrate on studying for this stupid exam
I can't concentrate on work
I can't concentrate on anything
I can't even concentrate on life
Coz you're just too bloody distracting!
This is why I failed on every single thing
Coz I can't focus on anything else in life BUT YOU
Like I dont give a shit about anything else BUT YOU
Oh my goodness.. what have gotten into me..
It literally drives so fucking damn crazy
Just super duper mad
And I just don't know what to do anymore =(

Your coldness will turn me into dust.

The hardest part is accepting the truth that things have changed and living in that reality. Coz a part of me wish that time can rewind and I can live in that past where things were happy n blissful. The memories are just too painful to bear, but it can never be erased or forgotten. I think I clinged on to the hope that I can go back to that moment even just for a second that it's worth to live in this hell for the past few months. But is it really possible? Or I'm just being delusional? You're as cold as an ice now and I just need the warmth that you used to give. I'm broken into pieces already, but as the coldness continues it will turn me into dust..

Nothing

Neither loved nor hated. Just a nothing. Trying to hold on to the last string of nothing. Coz there's nothing left, but nothing will be a good enough reason to let go. I wish I could just feel nothing, but the world is filled with nothing, but that..

No more

I guess.. I'm just a nobody these days
You're too busy
You've got everything you need
You've got enough friends
And there's probably no more space for me in your life
Like.. often it feels like I'm pushed away
And it hurts so much everytime I realised that
Like I wish I can be slightly important
I wish you could need me for something
Sigh I don't know anymore..
There's nothing much that keeps us going
But somehow I still can't let go
And I don't want to let go
You're honestly just the one and only one I want to like
I want to love
I want to give everything to
And there's absolutely nothing else that I want this bad in this world
As time goes by, the more I see that it's just too impossible to turn back the situation
Just how I regret it so much
Why did I never learn that telling the truth always brings no good?!
Why was I so stupid
Never learned from my lesson
Keep repeating them
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO STUPIDDDDDDDDDDD! =(
Sigh.... I crave your attention so much
But I don't know what I should talk about with u =(
I don't want to interupt your busy life
But we're drifting apart
At least before the group convo kept us going,
Or even those games
Or even the little things you would say
Or the times when we used to study together
And when you would invite me to trips.
Now.. it's all gone..
There's no more of it.. and what's left is just a miserable me.

I don't know

I don't know
What else can I do
What more can I do
What should I do
How much more effort will it take
How much more sacrifice I should make
How much more time I should give
Just really.. what does it really take?
To be in that place.. to be in that position?
I'm not even asking for the impossible
Why make me so pathetic
I really have given my all
Just about everything
You've drained all my emotions
Why so cruel :(
This fate..

There is absolutely nothing I would not do
Would not give
Even if you tell me to wait 100 years
Then I really will :s
But why after all these.. I'm just left with nothing but tears and heartbreak?

The most suffocating part is when u want nothing else in this whole world but that, and u're willing to give up absolutely anything for it, but no matter what you do, nothing will budge and there is not enough reason to let go. And it feels like the world isn't moving anymore.

What the hell is in your mind?

Seriously.. What the hell was on your mind?
Why is it that you mind so much that if it's only us thats going?
For once you didn't even ask if it's ok to invite them
Then you didn't even tell me about it even after you invited them
Instead you told the others BUT me!
It's not like i'm going to say no they can't come
But it's just courtesy that you would say it..
So dumbfounded by this whole thing sigh
You disappoint me again :(
Seriously, what the fuck goes thru your mind?
Coz you're honestly fucking with my brain now

Memories

Came across our old text msgs.. 

Mix messages are running through my mind

How I miss the old times

The times when you were still nice

The times where we would often talk

Sigh, the memories are just too painful

I don't think I can read one more line without having a break down

It's all in the past now

Memories that can never be erased

But just too painful to remember

Perfection

How did u become even more perfect than you already were?
Sigh this is the reason why I can't get over you
Just literally can't imagine there'll be anyone better out there
I don't know how to stop this admiration when it's growing even more as time passes by..

What's left is nothing.

Telling the truth was the biggest mistake. And the more I'm feeding it the more I'm losing it. So keep asking myself which last string of hope am i holding on to? And what exactly am I holding on to? Nothing. Trying so hard to just hold myself together but I'm breaking apart. Every bit of me is broken and shattered to pieces already.. What's left is.. nothing. 

Is this even humane? Why such fate?! When nothing else is this whole world matters anymore, but this, that I just wanna give up on life at times. 

You will never understand things until you get there. So don't ever judge anyone who's being irrational, coz when you're pushed so much to the corner and there isn't anymore room to breathe, you break apart, and you lost it. And that's how it is now.

two hours.... it's been two hours full of tears
not the first time of course..
i don't know what is this last string of hope im holding onto anymore
even being friends is so hard now

just dont know anymore

I'm losing it..

I'm losing all of it..

There isn't a single part of me that is sane anymore

I don't know what upsets me so mch

I don't know why it upsets me so mch

But all I know is just that it hurts..

It's hurting beyond what word can say

I don't know how else to express it.. 

Like a gazzilion thoughts run thru my mind

So I keep hitting my head hoping it would stop thinkng

And I would go back to my senses

But it's just not happening

I JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE................................

that explains how you were online over 70 times today..

and what upsets me the most is how im just always the last to know

like i have to dig thru this information thru another source

and how you're always online when they say something but it took you half an hour to go online when i say something. 

and just the thought of everything else how you gonna be living with them

ITS STUPID BUT OFCOURSE THIS LITTLE STUPID THINGS MATTERS TO ME. IM GOING SO NUTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.............. THAT I DONT KNOW ANYMORE. 

Can't anyone understand this logic?

In a normal situation, when a relationship does not work out, it's understandable if you walk away and end it. And that's probably what to expect and what a normal people would do. But in an abnormal situation, I guess it's harder to understand. Normally, you would walk away with a hope of finding a new person that can work out for the future. But when things just wouldn't work out, why should there a reason to move on? Give me one good reason.

So for the past 11 years, when you keep liking someone whom you can never be with, you just get used to that fact. Of course on the back of your mind, you would still hope that things would work out with the next person, but knowing that it won't it's nothing new. And of course, every time it ended the pain never gets any better. You just don't get used to pain.. A pain is still a pain and it hurts every single time. And who in the right mind want to experience pain multiple times? So if you're asking me to move on, you're asking to experience the exact same pain all over again. You might think that the next person will like me back the way I like them, but if that were to happen, why hasn't it been happening for the past 11 years? The fact is every single time, after getting over someone, the same case happens again and again, that I'm just so sick of it. So I made myself just stick to one person, just at least let me like you. Can't you understand the logic?!?!?! Why can't anyone understand this logic. Like if there was a hope that it will work out in the future maybe I will try to move on, but really when the chance of everything repeating all over again is probably 99.9999999999%... Tell me why should I even bother?

I know that we won't ever have a relationship. But I just want to be your best friend.. Someone you can talk to and want to talk to and have fun with, etc. Am I asking too much? I don't give a damn of your future relationship. I'll just be happy for you. But when it comes to friend, I just want to be the number one :( Of course that won't happen in a millions years no matter how much I tried even though logically it shouldn't be impossible.

Lost it all

It seem's like I've lost it all
I've lost all my common sense
I've lost my rationality
Not a single part of me is being sane anymore
That I'm just so confused
Why am I being like this
Why am I being so greedy
Why am I acting like this
Why is it like this?!
I just don't know anymore

Lost

There comes a time when you're just so lost
You don't know what to do anymore
What to expect
What to think
Just absolutely nothing is working out
And no matter how much you think
There is no solution to it
And the more you think
The more things become tangled
And it doesn't stop on hurting
You want a way out
But it seems like there is no way out
And no matter how many people you talk to
There's not a single soul that's helpful enough
I just really don't know anymore.

Why you put me in such difficult place?

You keep forcing me to tell you the truth
To say things out
And when you ask, I just cannot say no
But the more I say things
The more I explain
The more you will think I'm a creep
The more you'll dislike me
The more distance we'll have
Just I'm losing more of you
Why you put me in such difficult place sigh

Scared and Hurt

It gets up to a point, where I'm too scared to go home
I'm scared that I'll cry again
I'm scared that I'll think about you again
I'm scared that I'll miss you again
I'm scared that I'll get disappointed again
I'm scared that I'll get hurt once again
It honestly is very painful in and out
I hope it doesn't get to a point where I'm scared of living
Because it's just so unbearable at times
And you don't like it when I express things
So how am I suppose to live?
I can't say anything out
Everytime we talk, I end up saying the wrong message
And it just keeps on hurting
Coz you don't understand
And you keep hurting me
I'm giving up on keeping things the way it was
It's way too late
Everything changed already
The more I try
The more I'm getting hurt

Driving me nuts!

You always say that you're busy
I know that you are
But you were online 63 times today, then how am I suppose to believe that?
Not saying that you lied
But you literally have time for all your other friends
IT DRIVES ME NUTS AND FUCKING CRAZY.

I might as well be gone

I'm breathing, but it's as if I'm breathing under water
I'm alive, but it's as if I'm dead
I'm healthy, but it's as if there's pain under my bone
I exist, but it's as if my I'm soulless

What's the point of living like this anymore? If only I can just be gone, maybe you will care then.

What is it really about you?!

I don't know anymore
What's so good about you
What is it about you..
That literally makes you stick so much to my brain
I don't know why I care
I don't know why I want it so bad like there's no tomorrow
Like nothing in this whole worlds matters
I just don't know anymore
All I know is I'm going mad
I'm going crazy just thinking about it
Even if I'm trying not to think about
It just comes

Like even if I were given the choice for a billion dollar
Or anything else.......
I would still choose you.

What is it really about you?!

I always thought to myself, maybe if I don't talk to you long enough, you will wonder why I haven't said anything. Maybe somehow, you will say hi and ask how I'm doing. So I keep on waiting, despite wanting to talk to you so much, I restrain myself from typing in that screen. I thought if I just wait a little longer just a little longer, miracle will somehow happen. So I keep on waiting and wishing that miracle will happen some day. Soon enough, I'm hoping. And it turns out that it's always just an empty hope. No, you're probably just too busy to have just a little bit of thoughts. I'm only asking for a bit. So I can't even have just that much? They say I should lower down my expectation, you say I should lower down my expectation, but I really don't think its so high anyway. So I don't understand. What really went wrong, what have I done wrong, why is it like this. I don't understand. And it keeps on hurting. So I just cry cry and cry, and it's just always so damn tiring. My soul will run out in no time. I just don't know what to do anymore. How to live this life. It's just dark, lonely and cold.

Addicted to you - Avicii

I don't know just how it happened,
I let down my guard...
Swore I'd never fall in love again
But I fell hard.

Guess I should have seen it coming,
Caught me by surprise...
I wasn't looking where I was going,
I fell into your eyes.

You came into my crazy world like a cool and cleansing wave.
Before I, I knew what hit me baby you were flowing through my veins...

I'm addicted to you,
Hooked on your love,
Like a powerful drug
I can't get enough of,
Lost in your eyes,
Drowning in blue
Out of control,
What can I do?
I'm addicted to you!

Midnight blows in through the window,
Dances round the room...
Got me hypnotized,
I'm getting high on the perfume.

I couldn't live without you now,
Oh, I know I'd go insane,
I wouldn't last one night alone baby,
I couldn't stand the pain!

I'm addicted to you!
Hooked on your love,
Like a powerful drug
I can't get enough of,
Lost in your eyes,
Drowning in blue
Out of control,
What can I do?
I'm addicted to you!

I had it before, but now it's all gone

Just....... cannot process it......
You said I should lower my expectation?
And when did my expectation become so high?
Because I was there!
Because it happened before!
And it was possible!
But I don't know where it all went
And how things just changed
You used to say little things in the group chat
Regardless you're busy or not
At least you would say it
Now you're just making excuses that you're busy
You were always busy
But before you would still say something!
Those one word you usually made my day
And that was enough
Now there's no more of it
And I become frustrated
Then I don't know what's the reality
So I keep on guessing
Trying to figure out
Who you talking to
WHY IS OTHER GROUP CHAT SO FUCKING ACTIVE!
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I cannot help but to be jealous
ITS SO FRUSTRATING
COZ I HAD IT BEFORE
I HAD IT
IT WAS THERE
IT HAPPENED
NOW ITS ALL GONE

I just.. miss you so much..
I wanna talk to you so badly..
But I'm always too scared to say anything
Unable to express these feelings
I don't know what can I do?
Can't you understand where my frustrations is coming from?
Don't hate me
Don't get annoyed at me
I know it can be really annoying
And you don't have the obligation to care..
Just.. try to understand
Coz I like you so much
That it's beyond what words can say

The hardest part to let go is the memory
Too many good memories made
How can I ever forget?
Things just won't go back to the way it was
What remains is just tears and heartbreak

We talk or don't talk, I will still like you
We see each other or not see each other, I will still like you
Whatever you do, I will still like you
So why put me in such difficult situation?
If the outcome is always going to be I will still like you
Why must I be in pain?
Can't I just at least be happy for a moment?
Even if you wanna use me, I really don't care anymore.
Just do whatever you want.
Coz you're definitely irreplaceable :(

" Respect people's feelings. Even if it doesn't mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them."
"You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you."

What a powerful quote. Do you know how much I'm hurting? Do you care even a slight bit?
You really mean the whole world to me. Just about everything. And I sincerely mean it.
So don't be too cruel to me, coz your every word means a lot.

Ok.. you say that I get upset if I'm being ignored. That's bcoz I don't know why you're ignoring me. If you're busy then tell me.

Your other friends don't care if you ignore them. Of course they don't coz they know they will still be good friends to you no matter what

But I don't. If I say something wrong, I could lose everything. So of course I feel insecure. And that's what leads to my frustration every time. And I have feelings, I cannot help not to feel.

I don't know what am I to you. We are friends. But was I ever a good enough friend to you? Was I ever in the same level as them? I really wanna be the best. But I can't I can't I can't.

And it hurts every time I realised that. Even before you knew the truth, I'm not just being sensitive, but I literally pay a careful attention of how you treat them. And it's different.. and I'm always so envious of it. But couldn't really show it unless I couldn't take it anymore like last time.

And no one understands this. Like why do I cling on to you and this hope so much. Because for the past 10 years or so, it keeps on repeating. Nothing ever changes. And it doesn't hurt any less every time it ended. They say I should just get away and avoid those people I can't be with. So I did before, and what.. I keep on liking people..  so I can't even like anyone? So I should just get away everytime I like someone? And everytime it ended, I end up having the same cycle over and over again. So rather than being hurt so many times like it has always been, can't I just stick to one person? I know the impossibility. But just let me be happy for once. JUST ONCE. IM ASKING JUST ONE TIME IN MY WHOLE GOD DAMN LIFE. Why is life so cruel to me?!

Even If I get over you, what's the chance that the same thing won't happen again? It always happened for the last 10 years. So really... what is the chance it won't happen again? And this is the reason why I cling so much to it.

But of course not a single soul understands this. They just say it's stupid it's foolish it's pointless. Then be in my place. You will know how it is.

Regret

I regret it, I regret it so much to tell you the truth
If I didn't tell you the the truth, you wouldn't have put such boundaries on me
I made the same mistake again
Again and again.
So stupid of me..
This time I've gone too far in the journey
It feels like all my accomplishment are stepped on and thrown away.

You took that last string of hope, and kept me alive.. that I might as well be dead.

My thoughts……… my thoughts…….  I have been thinking and thinking until there is no more capacity in my brain to think anymore. Everything is blur. I don’t know what I want where I want to be anymore. Like. The last string of hope.. is now gone. U literally took them away from me. You’re giving me half hope. You’re only half killing me. Might as well kill me dead, so I don’t keep on suffering. Do you really think being like this is better. You said we can be friends. But you’re putting boundary in our friendship. That’s not even friends. We can talk. But we cannot talk often enough. We can see each other but just not freely. Just once in a while. The time we spend together will give me so mch hope and happiness. Then you will take them away again. Its like push and pull. How can you put me in this state?! Do u really think if Im not used to being around you will make me like you less? While we are still friends? The fact that we are friends will make me like you no matter what. No matter if I see you or not. But the fact that you’re putting boundaries will just hurt me. If you want to hurt me. Just cut it right away. Not like this. Its like being on two boats. Trying to balance myself. Not moving forward nor backwards. If you’re letting me to be friends, might as well give me the full rights n treat me like a normal friends like u wld with ur other friends. 

Tell don't tell its the same either way.
Miserable it is.
It's been nearly 4.5 years OF COURSE I HAVE EXPECTATIONS!
And that was completely crushed today.
I know im being so greedy. but im human too.............
I hate money, coz it cannot buy anything
I would give u anything. absolutely anything. and i mean it.
But I don't even think you want that.

Shud rly let go. let go. let go.

no way out

I told myself it's okay.. it's okay jude.. dont think about it..
dont wish dont hope dont do anything
kept telling myself over and over again
but somehow tears wld just flow unwillingly
i dont want to be sad
i dont want to cry
i dont want to feel this way
but i do and i cannot help it no matter what i do
it just keeps on hurting
and everything becomes muddled
i wanna scream i wanna shout i want to hit something
so i keep hitting my head telling myself why am i so stupid that im acting like this
why am i so stubborn
why am i such a fool
and this would just repeat over and over again
so fucking damn tired of it
i just want to live a normal life...........
i just want to be part of you..
am i really asking too much?
i cant digest this anymore
its too much to handle..
i cant say it
i cant do anything about it
n this is the only way to express it.
there is no way out of this.

Don't hurt me anymore :(

Really.. I'm asking you. I'm begging you. Just please don't hurt me anymore =(
Please don't. It's honestly too much. I just wanna live a normal life.
And I can't take it any longer.

I don't know how to make it hurt less
I don't know how I can deal with this
I don't know how to not miss you
I don't know how to not think about you
I don't know how.

So.................. really stop hurting me
Stop making me a crazy fool.
I know it's all my fault.

Why am I such a fool. A stubborn fool. sigh

What hurts me the most

It may seem that you're not doing anything..

We don't talk or anything, so what is it that hurt me the most?

Let me list it down.. 

What hurts me is when you're talking to your other friends constantly. Coz I wonder what you could be talking about with them.. Why you guys have so much to talk about and there's practically nothing for us to talk about. 

When you show affection to them, to some of them in particular. In my mind I'm thinking that I should be able to be put in the same level. Just friends. Good friends. It's not even a lover. So really. Logically it should be achievable. But.. It's not happening. I tried everything I tried my hardest. But it's not working. So.. I get frustrated. I get jealous. Because.. that is not impossible. 

Neither dead nor alive

Neither dead nor alive
Neither loved nor hated
I'm just always in between
Not knowing exactly where I am
Sometimes in pain sometimes in cloud nine
Neither this nor that

Maybe it's better to be dead after all
At least you feel the pain once
You're hurt once and for all
And then it's all gone
Rather than being kept alive
You're hurt then you're happy then you're hurt again
Again and again
Wishing that you're sometimes just be dead rather than constantly feeling the pain
But then who wants to be dead?
You will try to survive no matter what
Even though death could be better for you

Surviving is loving you
Death is letting you go.

Irrational

Is it really a sin to love you?
Why must I be punished so greatly?
It doesn't hurt any less everyday
And the pain never goes away

But I'm just too stubborn to let go
Too stubborn to do anything about it
Coz simply I just don't want to
And don't ask me why

I know the logic
I know what is right
But every part of me is being irrational

So......... the whole world tells me to move on.. to start lessen things a bit... and so on....... I know.. I know those people care for me. And I know.. you would say the same thing as well. But really.. I know I'm stubborn, and I will continue to be stubborn. I know I know. But right now nothing will change my mind. Even if the whole world is against it. Let me just be me. Is liking you really a sin? Is it really that forbidden that the world is against it?! I'm not even doing anything bad to you. Sigh..

Another thought.. of why I would really spend a fortune on you. Even giving my whole wealth is really ok. Because.. There is just nothing that I absolutely can do for you. I can't be there for you, even if I'm there.. you wouldn't even be looking for me, instead you would turn to your other friends. You would never seek advice from me.. I can't even give what my thoughts are.. coz you would never ask. I can't be that person who can cheer you up when you're sad. My words prob won't mean a thing anyway. This is what I really mean by insignificant.. I'm not sure whats your thoughts on it. But it really is what I think. I'm just completely nothing. And I can do nothing. And there is nothing to do to change that. No matter what I do.. It's just either gonna make things worse or stay the same. So really.. If the only thing that I can do is giving you things that makes you happy. Then let it be. Coz that's the only one thing. But of course. No one understands. They think its stupid. Maybe it is after all.

Can't I be at least that?

Like really..
I'm not asking you to love me
I'm not asking you to be mine
I really am not
I just wanna be that friend
That's close enough to you
Someone you would talk to everyday
Someone you would share your feelings.. your thoughts
You don't need to ask me how I am.. Not that you ever do
Just please.......... acknowledge me
Let me know that I exist within your life..
Don't make me this insignificant hopeless person
Who has given up everything
Just to know it's for nothing
Can't I just be at least that?
Like those people you're close with
Those people I envy so much
Why is it so hard to be a part of you
Why :(
I feel so pathetic that I can't even be the least of what I can be :s
Is my fear really blocking this friendship?
I'm afraid that if I do more it will cross the friendship border line
So I stop. But................................ sigh :(

stuck

The whole world seems to be moving
Except for mine..
I am stuck in this time
The time where I miss you so much
The time where I wish we would talk
The time where I wish you would say something
The time where I wish I could express my feelings
The time where I wish I don't have fear to lose you
I'm just stuck
And I don't even wanna move

I really miss you so much :(
And these tears won't stop
I don't know what to do
I can't even say it
I can't express it
There's just absolutely nothing I can do about it?!
But cry myself to sleep..

Unrequited Love

Unlike physical pain/injury, this is a soul hurt, you can feel it physically, but there's nothing you can do about it.. you can go out, you can try to have fun... you can try to enjoy life, but at the end of the day, you're laying there alone, and just want to cry yourself asleep. And unlike cheating, which can give you a reason to get over it, you cling to it and cling to it. Then you feel like there is no way you could ever be loved again... could ever love again. Unlike labor, or any of those other things, it does not pass in a few days or weeks, you feel it for much longer. Then you don't eat, and you don't sleep and you get sick with something too, but you don't care enough to try and get better. More than that, everything you do do becomes mechanical. You can't focus on anything. You can only manage tasks requiring your hands, not your mind. It goes from a ripping pain to sheer numbness. Then people go on to tell you that all it takes is time, time, time, time. But time doesn't move fast enough. And you don't even know if you want to get over it, because you don't know if you can ever love again. I know that pain very well... and not only to lose that love, but to lose friends at the same time... it hurts horribly bad. Every breathe is painful... you wonder why you even bother.... yea, I know that feeling. And no, there's nothing worse.... well, yea, there is, think you're loved, and then told you're not, then be told you're loved as more than a friend but less than a lover, then be told you can be friends and not only have that friendship, but several others ripped out from under you and have to pretend that nothing is wrong. Yea.... that old familiar pain. 

I know that pain.

As the day goes by..
I found myself staring at the screen..
Knowing that you will not talk to me..
But why are you constantly online?
Wondering who you could be talking to
And what you're talking about
Wishing that you would say something to me
As usual, it's just an empty hope
I kept thinking..
What do I actually want
Why do I keep hoping
I really don't know
Next thing I know..
Tears just fall non stop
Don't know how to stop them
And I just feel tired
The cycle repeats everyday
I know that i'm being such a fool
But i really don't know a way out
Half my mind is contradicting what I'm doing
But the stubborn me just somehow holds through it..

Now

A few months have gone by..
And somehow we've drifted apart
You're there and I'm here
Such busy life you have
I'm probably the last thing on your mind
I tried to get on with my life
But all it's filled with is the thoughts of you
Every hour every minute every second.. I miss you so much
The thoughts of you have not escaped my mind for a single moment
I tried filling my time with this and that
But still.. you're embedded within my mind
I can do nothing but cry
This painful feeling.. How do I get rid of it?
I feel nothing but pain
I really am not asking for too much am i?
Just talk me more often and acknowledge my existence within your life
I keep wishing and wishing
that some miracle can possibly happen.
But it's all just empty hope
Can I go back to the times where I was happy?

fucked up

How do you know if you're fucked up?

When tears would just flow everyday.. Sometimes knowing the reason sometimes not
When there is nothing else in ur mind other that one damn person
When you can't focus on anything else
When life feels so meaningless
When you feel so hollow inside that you wanna throw up
When you know that you mean nothing to that person
When that person thinks nothing of you even though you have given everything
When you're willling to give up your life for someone who doesn'y even care about you
When no one else understands how it feels, and thinks that you're just so stupid for not letting it go, and thinks that its probably so easy to go through it.
Maybe only when I'm gone, I will be somewhat significant. Does it have to be in that extent?

CANT I JUST BE SOMEWHAT SIGNIFICANT TO YOU!??!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!
STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY.

so i kept thinking..... thinking what is it that im looking for.
acknowledgement. i think thats what i need.
knowing on the back of my mind that all my effort was probably useless
and dont even know why im even doing it..
i need some sort of acknowledgement that it at least make a slight impact

like my logical mind says its so stupid
why am  i doing it
why am i keeping it
why am i being like this
i cant even find the answer to it
but.. somehow.. im just doing it like its a lifestyle already

sigh. going crazy already.

creep out or special

So.. I told you that I like you..
Risking the fact that it could ruin our friendship
Well.. it wasnt so bad after all..
But I don't think you know..
How much I actually like you..
How much you actually mean to me..
How much thoughts I put into you
How much effort I put for this relationship...
How much impact you bring to my life..
How you actually mean the whole world to me..
And for you to know that, it's either that you feel creep out or you feel somewhat special
I honestly don't know which one it will be
So.. it's best to not say it.

It feels like if i post more status updates you just gonna hate me.. Be annoyed.. And wouldnt understand why i do it. You probably think that it's useless, it's not helping, And i shud just let it go. You're too logical and practical. And even if i try to explain, you probably wouldnt even understand.. And lecture me with ur logical mind. I know what is right to do. I dont need anymore lecture on it. I just wish you could bloody understand this feeling. The frustration im going through. The pain.. The depression, just everything. I wish you could understand and do feel sorry for me. Im scared that you'll change your mind, thinking that its best if we dont keep in touch. Im too scared to lose you.. So i hold it back. I hold it back everyday, when i long for you every day, every hour, every minute of the day. I check on your social media, i wanna know what ure up to, staring at my phone like a crazy person. You have turned me into one crazy super mad person. Not being able to be with you is bad enough.. and on top of that, i cant even express my own feelings. This feeling of trap.. Like a soul wanting to escape the body.. Its the worst! It feels like life is so meaningless, like im just trapped. Not knowing what to do. What is right what is wrong.. Theres no one around.. No one to talk to. It feels like im more alone than ever. When tears have just fallen every single day for the past few months. Its just so tiring. So tiring living like this, that i sometimes wanna give up on life. What is there to live for anymore?! When all i ever want is you and only you. I dont need money i dont need luxury. Ive got enough of it. All i want is u. The most impossible thing to get.

I am not annoyed because you're busy
I would understand it if you're busy and you can't reply..
BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS BLOODY ONLINE TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE
AND NOT REPLYING ME
That's what I'm mad about :(

Like it seems like you're always talking to other people
And who am I to tell you what to do or not do
I'm scared that you'll be annoyed if I say these things
Tho i really wanna say it :s

I know that you're not doing on purpose
But just the fact that you cbb on replying means that I'm not important
I mean I know that I'm not anyway
But it just hurts :s

I was delusional thinking I was somewhat close
Or somewhat important
Was just completely being delusional
I guess I will just remain a nobody

Don't even dream or have goals
Coz when I do it just hurts even more
It's like Im putting myself into a sea of torture
Where my heart is getting torn multiple times

There hasn't been a day without tears
And everytime I say things to you
You always reply with such cold words
Not a single warm words

Every single bloody time
Keep on hurting me. Sigh :(

You told me to cheer up.. I was happy
Then you still didnt say anything the whole day
I thought that's okay, what you said this morning has erased my sorrow
Then the night comes.......
And you hurt me once again..
I know that you don't realise it at all
I know that I'm being petty and childish
But what should I do.. I really cannot control how I feel
If the things you do make me very upset
What did I do so wrong to deserve this punishment?
This torture is killing me
Why do I have to cry everyday?
It's so tiring
So how the hell am I supposed to cheer up..
When you keep hurting me with the little thing you do or don't do?
And why do I keep posting status updates?
Coz I actually want you to know how I feel..
How important you are to me..
But I can't make it too obvious
Coz I'm scared you'll be creeped out and back away :(
Which is my greatest fear..

You..

If anyone has ever been in this position, they would know the pain that i'm going through, the sadness that fills my heart, the deep longing i have inside within me. How painful it is, to long for you everyday, but I can never get to you.

I crave your attention everyday, I wanna be that person that you trust, that you can talk to anytime, the first person you want to talk to about everything, just your bestfriend.

I tried so hard to be close to you. I tried my hardest, I give up all my time just for you and only you. Just to wish I would get a slight part of you in return.

But you hurt me every single time, with your carelessness. The way you ignore me every single time. When every word from you, even a full stop or exclamation mark means something to me. 

I know that it's impossible for us to be together, and i'm not asking you to be mine. I just want to be there for you anytime. But you never acknowledge my existence within your life. If you can slightly acknowledge that i'm somewhat important.. Maybe it's just a dream. 

The shedding tears, aching heart, frustration, i just want to end it all. But why must you be so perfect that i can't stop loving you? Everytime i look at you, i would just be in awe.. Thinking why are u so perfect.. And i dont have any reason to stop this admiration. 

No one else can compare. And you're just too perfect to even let go. Even if i were to move on, you will forever have a spot inside, coz you left a big mark there that I can never erase. 

Missing you..

Missing you so much
So damn much
I can't help it
And I don't know what to do to stop these tears
You're the perfect definition of a drug
Someone so addictive
That gives me the ultimate happiness
That I crave so much
=(

Curious and Scared

I'm always curious about so many things
About you of course..
But I'm always too scared to ask
Although I do risk it a times..
I'm scared about what you think
I'm scared about the worst case scenario
I'm scared that you'll change your mind
I'm just always too scared
Too scared that you won't talk to me
Or that you will feel uncomfortable
So I've learned to have some self control
Trying to restrain myself from asking
Although I'm very very curious =s
It's never easy.. sigh

Don't wanna let go

You've planted too many good memories in my mind..
How can I ever let you go?
HOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
When I love you so much :(
Just the thought of it is driving me crazy
Only tears are running through my face atm
It's too sad to be true :(
I don't wanna leave you..
Truly the love of my life
I really can't imagine loving someone else other than you
Argh :(

Why do you exist in my life?

Why do you exist in my life?

You who literally occupies my mind 24/7
You who controls every bit of movement in my life
You who is just super damn glued to my brain
You whom I cannot forget no matter what
You who makes my heart beats 10x faster
You who makes me anxious
You who makes me curious to death
You who gives me the ultimate sadness
You who makes me cry
You who gives me the ultimate happiness
You who makes me smile
You who is literally like a drug to me

Do you know how much you're making me maddddddddddd!
I feel like I am insane at times!
I probably am!
WHY AM I ADDICTED TO YOU?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!??!
You're not even that great
But why do I adore you so damn much

You give me the ultimate pain of my life
WHY DO U EXIST WITHIN ME?

KL!

Ruined

Just as I said it was a good memory
Everything got wiped out with this one incident
I don't know if it was better to know or not to know
The fact that I now know about it, hurts me
But if I didn't, I'm being too naive
Wasted 4 hours of my life thinking about this stupid thing
Your image is tainted.
All we do is argue these days about stupid things
So frustrating :(

Back to reality

Back to reality
From a vivid dream
A dream that was so real
I enjoyed every moment of it
At times it felt like I was in heaven
Above the cloud
Thinking how did this happen
An amazing happiness
Blood rushed through every inch of my body
Words couldn't describe it

But it was only short while
I wish time would stop at certain moments
I just wanna capture it
And stay in that moment forever

Now it's just memory
That will forever be embedded in my mind

Just a memory..
That I will treasure forever

Now I should wake up
And back to reality