I can only pretend

I can only pretend that I don't care
I can only pretend that it's alright
I can only pretend that nothing is wrong
I can only pretend that I'm fine
All I can do is pretend, coz in reality it's almost impossible
Not unless I have a memory loss or I cannot feel anymore
I'm just a normal human
But if you want it that way, then there's nothing I can do
But to suppress everything inside
Coz it's a fact that my feelings are true
And these feelings are inevitable
You were never a friend
You were always more
Much more than you know
So if this is how you want it
Then I can only pretend that you're my friend

Sorry ;(

Sorry :(

Can you forget everything I said?

I was mad..

I was just so angry at everything

I'm sorry

I know that it's not your fault

But I'm just so mad

I don't know what to do either..

Sorry :(

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

:(

The end

Ah... and here it is
The day that I feared the most has finally come..
It's lost and completely gone
I couldn't hold it for any longer
You can't accept it either
And so here is the end to everything..
I was so mad..
And so it was fine..
It felt fine and good to be able to let it out
But now..........................
There is no word to express this feeling anymore..
God knows how long this will last
Just another battle I suppose..

Maybe next time

I guess I'll say it another time
I guess I'll just suck it up again this time
I should be ok..
How can I get mad at you when you talk to me like that sigh
Just when you talk to me that was enough to erase all the bad memories
Sigh.. It's only that it keeps on repeating over and over again
I guess I'll just suck it up.
I'm not trying to blame you..
But just think about it this way
You say that you'll prob be busy til forev
And you say that you haven't been talking to me coz you're busy..
See the correlation?
You'll never be not busy
And if business is the reason you don't talk, wouldn't it mean you just won't talk forever?
I'm not asking to talk everyday
Just once in a while it's ok
But at this rate it seems like it would be never
Its like.. you don't stop talking to your friends coz you're busy
I bet you there's still people you talk to everyday
I'm jealous ok... Coz you still update everyone
And you still want to talk to all your friends
You miss them
But.. me..... who am I again to you?!
Nobody.

Tell me..

Even if I were to say it, I wouldn't know where to start
There's too many things to say
Things that's been pounding up for so long
I don't know if I could express them anymore
Did I make a mistake again?
It feels like I did

Sigh.. Who am I to ask so much of you anyway
Sorry.. I should have known better
I thought what I wanted was simple
You know.. Just.. A good friend..
But as times goes by it feels like I will never reach it
And if you don't want me to be one, then how could I?

At the very least tell me who am I to you
Was I ever a good enough friend to you?
Or was it all my delusions?
Tell me if things will just stay like this
If I'm just going to keep getting hurt
If it's ever possible to go back to the way it was
Tell me....

It's gone and not coming back again

Once something is gone, it'll just be gone
Why am I so stupid thinking that it could go back?
The answer is it won't
And it will never be the same again

As usual you give your one sentence treatment
It's like yeh I'm still answering you coz I need to
But that's about all, you're not gonna ever look for me to talk like you used to
You're not ever gna be excited about meeting me or anything like that just like you would for your other friends.

The point is it's lost.
It's gone..
Yet I'm here still wishing that time would rewind
And that someday it would be like how it used to be
Not knowing that it's all just an empty hope

It hurts so much
Yet I don't know if you could ever understand
If you ever read this, you'd prob say something absolutely logical
And I'll just be even more hurt

So tell me.. What should I do?

And I wonder how many more of these nights do I have to go through?
How much more tears do I have to shed over the stupidest little things
You're hurting me so bad though I'm sure you're not aware of it
Your silence.. Why can't you talk to me like you used to
I'm not asking to talk everyday
But at the very least like once a fortnight?
Yet you talk so much to other people
I just cannot help this jealousy
Or wish that things could go back to the way it was
I just don't know how to stop
This feeling is just so intense I literally don't know what to do
Just one random word or anything
Any little things will be good enough
Just to keep me alive and sane
But instead I'm being kept alive in this state
You might as well hate me so I'd stop
But I'm so scared to lose you

I guess it's all my fault.
I don't know how much more do I have to hate myself
Coz I just cannot be good enough
Trying or not trying it hurts
Whatever I do is just wrong
So tell me, what should I do to be a good enough friend?
Coz you're pushing me away without knowing
And there's nothing worse than this
The more I try talking to you
The more I'm turning myself into a fool
So tell me.. What should I do?

Wish you'd know

I know that you prob hate it when I post status updates
But at times I wish you'd know the pain I'm going through
How hard it is to live day by day
Just to tell myself not to cry
Coz it gets too much at times

I just need to know that you still care
Or that I have not completely disappeared from your life
Coz as the day goes by, it seems that I'm fading away
And that's what hurts the most
And the more I try to push myself into your life
The more I feel so pathetic and hurt
I want to be inside, but I'm not invited
I want to care, but I'm not wanted
Am I really that bad? :(

Out of the picture

Now that I think about it
I prob made myself look more like a fool
It's so bloody stupid
I don't know why I did it..

Who do you talk to everyday :(
And why am I out of the picture..
If only..
I know that things are not the same anymore
And prob won't be anyway
But the memories
The stupid memories
Arghhhhhhhhh.......... How to erase them
Coz it's hurting me so badly

The impossibility of a relationship never hurts me
But being out of the picture.. Hurts :(

Four things that never fails to hurt me

There are 4 things that always hurt me no matter what. Even when I know why it's happening, but these 4 things never fail to hurt me.

1. When you ignore my questions.. Although yes I'm getting used to it. Sometimes.. I tried to let go, but in the end I still get upset. Although knowing that you always said that you're "busy" I know that you are, but as I said.. no one's ever too busy. It's a matter of priority. And what's annoying is that you're literally constantly online. Although you're saying that you're just checking these msgs if they're important or not.. I know that you do, but still.. you'd reply them. It's like how that person knows when you go home everyday.. That just proves that you talk with that person everyday. Or how that other person keeps telling what you're up to.. it's like you update them.. and sigh I guess it's the left out feeling =( And the other part is that every single time,, and literally I mean every single time.. On average it wld take abt 30 minutes before I say anything to you. I would plan it all ahead in my head.. How the flow would go, thinking what could the possible reply be, etc, etc.. and plus gather up the courage to say it, because I know you might ignore it anyway. It's like I put in so much effort and sometimes all I get is just ignorance.. Like how can I not be dumbfounded?

2. When you treat your friends so special. Hm yes this hurts.. because I do get jealous. And its like I cant help it? And it's like literally something to die for feeling. Argh... I would pay anything to get there and it's my ultimate goal to be that special to you. And there were times when I felt really special.. So everytime, it feels like I had it and completely lost it. When you were nice to me, it felt like I was in cloud 9. So yes, I get really jealous and upset about this :(

3. When I find out things about you from other people. It's like.. You didn't tell me?! I know that you have no obligation to say it. But you used to tell me things. So when I found out stuff from other people, it never fails to hurt me. Feels like I'm being left out coz I'm always the last one to know. When I always just want to know everything about you.

4. When I wanna talk to you so bad, but I can't. Well I want to talk to you every second of the day, but of course that's just too much. Sometimes I would test myself and see how long I can go for without talking to you. Usually 2 weeks is the max. And then I would test if you'd notice. But.. lol.. that's just the stupidest thing ever.. Coz no.. not in a million years you would notice such thing. Anyway, sometimes I just miss you so badly and wanna know how you going. One word usually makes me happy, it means that I'm still somehow in the picture and that you haven't completely depict me yet. But most of the times I'm too scared that I'll bother you and you get annoyed. So.. I restrain myself from saying anything. And that's one of the hardest thing to do.

It's a matter of time before I snap

It's just a matter of time before I snap
And completely lost it
I don't know how much longer I can sustain this
The constant pain.. disappointment.. anger.. frustration..
Everything is just piling up..
And always there's nothing I can do about it
I honestly honestly don't know how to reduce the expectation
How to not feel... I don't know how
And it just keeps on hurting every single time
And sometimes I want you to know
That you're hurting me so badly :(
But it's not your fault.......
I know...... I know that it's not your fault
And I don't want to blame you either
But what should I do
Can you care a bit more?
I know that you still reply.....
But your short words gets on my nerve
Your ignorance gets on my nerve..
Today I risked so much just to have a conversation
It was stupid of me...
I know that it was wrong, but I did it anyway
If only you knew how much effort it takes to actually talk to you
Or comes up with a topic
Or to gather up the courage to say something
If only you knew :(
Every little thing counts and matters to me..

What's the future anyway?

Sometimes I think to myself
Whats the point of thinking about the future?
All I hear is that it's better for the future
And I'm just so sick of it
Yes I know that
But what's the point of that
When the present itself is already like hell
When I can't even enjoy life in the present
What's the point of thinking about the future?
Coz in the end we will all die anyway
And there is no future coz everyday is the present
But the present is just so bitter

What have I done so wrong to deserve this?

I dont know if anyone can understand this
What it feels like to just cry and cry everyday
Over the stupidest little things
Honestly. It's just so crazy
When you wanna give so much
But you don't know what to give
Coz you have nothing
And you're not needed nor wanted
Then what do you do?
I keep hitting my head telling myself to snap out of it
Oh God.. What have I done so wrong to deserve this :(
I just hate myself so much, coz I'm not and will never be good enough

How..

Jealousy. Hope. Wish. Expectations.
They're all life destroyer..
That one word you wrote..
Hurts me so much..
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How to not feel?
Really.. how...............
Why won't I snap out of it?
I know I know I know..............
How to be that person?
I just cant
I can never be good enough
Or special enough..
No matter what....
And it kills me so much
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............
Tell me how :(

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."

I know that staying in love is by choice
And it is my choice to still love you regardless the impossibility of us together
And I am willing to take the consequences in the future
Because it is my choice
But if you won't allow me to love you
Then there's nothing I can do
But to be hurt
Coz nothing.. will change.
Until the moment I decided to fall out of love
I'm not saying that it's impossible
But all I know is I don't want it now
Knowing that I'm just wasting time
But I just don't care
Coz really, logic and common sense just don't play through anymore
I don't understand why
But that's how it is now

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."