Simply perfection

No I don't feel like i'm crazy anymore
I know that i am for sure
So crazy about you
Too madly in love
Your perfection and imperfection
Everything is just beyond what word can say..
Theres nothing i want you to change
Coz you're simply the definition of perfect..

A week of silence

I guess it'll be a week of silence
I won't interrupt your busy life
And I guess it's fine if you don't have time talk to me..
You have enough friends that cares about you..
What does my hello and how are you means anyway
I am suppressing it so hard now..
Kept saying that it's ok and just to let it go..
I know that you're tired and it's been a hectic time for you...
I know and completely understand it..
But it's just when I hear stories from others, knowing that you treat them differently..
That's what hurts me the most
Coz really.. Am I just that insignificant?

How to go back?

I don't know why I keep torturing myself
Reading old convos.......
Haizzzzzzzz..........
It's literally torturing me..
Wishing that things can go back to the way it was
Wishing that you would talk to me more often
ARGHHHHHHHH JUDEEEEEE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP.
Why do I refuse to accept the truth
To let things go instead of dwelling in it...
I know.. I know what's right and what's wrong
But stilllllllll......... it's so hard to accept
It's so hard to let go.................
It aches so much
It's so painful :(
I hate it..................
What can I do to make it go back to the way it was?
Is it really impossible already?
Is it?
Tell me :(
But I don't wanna hear it if it is....................

I guess this is the only option

Sometimes it's really confusing as to what to do..
I'm here.. wanting to talk so much..
But I'm scared that I'll bother your busy life
I'm scared that I'll annoy you..
So I hold it back..
That's why it upsets me so much when you're constantly online
Coz I wanna talk to you so badly
But your friends can talk to you for granted
While I'm just.. staring at the screen..
I miss you so much :(
And it seems like there's nothing more I can do
I feel like if I push it more, I will lose you
And that's my biggest fear
So maybe just being miserable like this is the only way
At least you don't completely dislike me..
At least I hope not..
When will there be a day without tears.. sigh

Train of thoughts

And this is my train of thoughts..
There's many things I wanna ask
I wanna say
I wanna tell..
But everytime, I'm scared that you're busy
I'm scared that I'll annoy you if I talk too much
Then I'm scared that you'll avoid talking to me
So.. I restrained myself from saying anything
Though at times it drives me crazy
I just saved it.. for a one good conversation..
Sometimes I waited for a week.. or two..
Then I carefully choose a time
A time where I don't think you'd be busy
Where you'd just be at home
Then usually you'd still reply
And we would have just some short conversation
And sometimes, I thought to myself it's good enough that you still reply me
It usually lasted a few days, or could be a week..
Then I started missing you again
I just wanna talk to you.. Then I'm scared again
I'm scared if you ignore me
Coz that hurts so much..
Then I kept seeing you online everyday... could be every half an hour.. every 2 minutes.. every 2 hours
Kept wondering why you have so much to say to your friends
Why they have so much to say to you
And it's just so hard for me to keep the convo going..
So I just wonder and wonder..
Then started thinking what can I do to change the situation..
And I just don't know anymore.
And the whole process just repeats again and again
Everyday.. every week..

They say, if there is a will there is a way
They say, hard work will pay off
They say, nothing is impossible
But really, I have put in my everything into this..
I've given up so many things
And I would do anything.. Absolutely anything..
But even after all that..
I'm still left with nothing..
How can I not be frustrated?
How can I not be depressed?
This fucking life, just really.. What does it really take?
And I don't know how to change things
How to alter the situation..
I really don't know anymore :'(

Give me a break 😞

Just.. Give me a break already
I just need a day where I can focus on my life
Everyday it's too hard to concentrate on work or literally.. Anything..
Arghh every piece of info I heard abt you from other ppl just drives my thoughts so mad
I don't know how to live like this anymore :(

Bloody Frustrating

You know what drives me crazy?
Ok fine.. I called.. you took your bloody time to reply..
Fine.. thats fine.. I can deal with it
Then you replied.. then it'll take you another hour to reply again..
And I'll be like ok that's fine too.. at least you still replied
Maybe you're busy..
Then you became online every 2 minutes..
Ignoring my messages..
And I'll be like.. Ok maybee.. you're cheking your msgs
Then I waited patiently.. maybee you'll reply later
Even an ok.. or.. yep.. or anything a one word is ok..
You still acknowledge my msgs..
But nop.. you decided to just leave it there..
And sometimes I'll be like fine whatever.....
Then here comes the worst part..
You became online again.. every like 2 minutes again
And your friends become online as well
Then you talk to them for hours..
Ignoring my stupid msgs.. Of course.. mine is never important anyway.
Then next day passed by
With you CONSTANTLY.. and when I say constantly I mean it..
BLOODY ONLINE TALKING TO THEM
AND STILL IGNORING ME.
You see.. I can deal with you ignoring me
But when I know you ignored me while actively talking to them
THATS WHAT I CANT STAND THE MOST.
Sigh............. ITS JUST SO FRUSTRATING!

Like I wish you could appreciate me for a bit
My time my thoughts
On average it took me half an hour to one hour to say hello
I planned out all the things I wanna talk about first
In case we ran out of topic
And then it took me another half an hour to gather up the courage to say hello
I'm too scared that I'll be interrupting you
I took into account the time you'll be home and not out
I literally calculated everything.. the best timing, topic, etc
Then usually.. the plan is just ruined..
Coz... of your ignorance.

How can I not be frustrated?

Strangers again

We were once strangers
A few occasions passed by
We talked
Spent time
Became friends
Got closer
Then the unfortunate happened.
And now.. back to strangers again

I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept it
I thought I've accepted it already
Become accustomed by this whole situation
That I'm no longer that person
No longer close enough
Just a stranger.. in your busy life..
I know.. I know
But deep inside I can't help not to feel this longing
Like... I don't know how to suppress it
I tried and it's turning me so crazy

I'm just trying to live a life......
But why must it be so hard

And I think once you moved..
We'll drift apart even more.....
Arghhhhhh I don't know
I don't know how to stop this
I don't know howwwww...................................

Everything is filled by you

The thought of you filled up absolutely 100% capacity of my brain of my mind of absolutely every single part of me
I can't bloody concentrate on studying for this stupid exam
I can't concentrate on work
I can't concentrate on anything
I can't even concentrate on life
Coz you're just too bloody distracting!
This is why I failed on every single thing
Coz I can't focus on anything else in life BUT YOU
Like I dont give a shit about anything else BUT YOU
Oh my goodness.. what have gotten into me..
It literally drives so fucking damn crazy
Just super duper mad
And I just don't know what to do anymore =(

Your coldness will turn me into dust.

The hardest part is accepting the truth that things have changed and living in that reality. Coz a part of me wish that time can rewind and I can live in that past where things were happy n blissful. The memories are just too painful to bear, but it can never be erased or forgotten. I think I clinged on to the hope that I can go back to that moment even just for a second that it's worth to live in this hell for the past few months. But is it really possible? Or I'm just being delusional? You're as cold as an ice now and I just need the warmth that you used to give. I'm broken into pieces already, but as the coldness continues it will turn me into dust..

Nothing

Neither loved nor hated. Just a nothing. Trying to hold on to the last string of nothing. Coz there's nothing left, but nothing will be a good enough reason to let go. I wish I could just feel nothing, but the world is filled with nothing, but that..

No more

I guess.. I'm just a nobody these days
You're too busy
You've got everything you need
You've got enough friends
And there's probably no more space for me in your life
Like.. often it feels like I'm pushed away
And it hurts so much everytime I realised that
Like I wish I can be slightly important
I wish you could need me for something
Sigh I don't know anymore..
There's nothing much that keeps us going
But somehow I still can't let go
And I don't want to let go
You're honestly just the one and only one I want to like
I want to love
I want to give everything to
And there's absolutely nothing else that I want this bad in this world
As time goes by, the more I see that it's just too impossible to turn back the situation
Just how I regret it so much
Why did I never learn that telling the truth always brings no good?!
Why was I so stupid
Never learned from my lesson
Keep repeating them
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO STUPIDDDDDDDDDDD! =(
Sigh.... I crave your attention so much
But I don't know what I should talk about with u =(
I don't want to interupt your busy life
But we're drifting apart
At least before the group convo kept us going,
Or even those games
Or even the little things you would say
Or the times when we used to study together
And when you would invite me to trips.
Now.. it's all gone..
There's no more of it.. and what's left is just a miserable me.

I don't know

I don't know
What else can I do
What more can I do
What should I do
How much more effort will it take
How much more sacrifice I should make
How much more time I should give
Just really.. what does it really take?
To be in that place.. to be in that position?
I'm not even asking for the impossible
Why make me so pathetic
I really have given my all
Just about everything
You've drained all my emotions
Why so cruel :(
This fate..

There is absolutely nothing I would not do
Would not give
Even if you tell me to wait 100 years
Then I really will :s
But why after all these.. I'm just left with nothing but tears and heartbreak?

The most suffocating part is when u want nothing else in this whole world but that, and u're willing to give up absolutely anything for it, but no matter what you do, nothing will budge and there is not enough reason to let go. And it feels like the world isn't moving anymore.

What the hell is in your mind?

Seriously.. What the hell was on your mind?
Why is it that you mind so much that if it's only us thats going?
For once you didn't even ask if it's ok to invite them
Then you didn't even tell me about it even after you invited them
Instead you told the others BUT me!
It's not like i'm going to say no they can't come
But it's just courtesy that you would say it..
So dumbfounded by this whole thing sigh
You disappoint me again :(
Seriously, what the fuck goes thru your mind?
Coz you're honestly fucking with my brain now